


Your Eyes

by standall



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/standall/pseuds/standall
Summary: Clay Jensen stays at Jessica's party and, somehow, the butterfly effect works in his favour. By staying at the party he prevents his best friend's death and may even save the girl he loves if it isn't too late.//This is majorly based on the TV show but I am making a lot of changes from Jessica's party onward!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is a small introduction at the beginning but this is both the introduction and chapter one, I hope you like it! (:

**Introduction**

_the eyes are the window to your soul_

_noun_  
noun: **butterfly effect** ; plural noun: **butterfly effects**  
 _(with reference to chaos theory) the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere._

Despite the confusion and the doubts, Clay needed to push through all of his fears to tell Hannah something he should have told her a long time ago. It was a literal matter of life or death, even if he didn't know it in that moment.

"Hannah."  
He needed to tell her and she needed to know, more than he could ever imagine.

"Get the fuck out!"  
She didn't mean it, she didn't actually want him to leave her in that room on her own. She didn't want him to go but she couldn't admit that now, not after she'd just told him to get out. Before she even had the chance to tell him what she really wanted, he was gone anyway.

Clay Jensen walked out of the room. Technically it was of no fault of his own, how was he supposed to know that Hannah meant the opposite of what she said? He just did what she told him to do, but she really wished he hadn't.

 

_Maybe he didn't, maybe he didn't leave that room._

 

**Chapter One**

"Okay, I'll go... but tell me what's going on, okay? Tell me what's wrong," Clay pleaded as he neared Hannah. The girl with the beautifully short and curled hair still looked stunning as she cried, but Clay would much rather see her smiling. He didn't know what he did wrong, he didn't understand. Clay never understood.

He would leave this room like she asked because he didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had. He just didn't realise that leaving her was what would hurt more, he just thought doing what she asked was what she wanted but that couldn't be more wrong. Clay had asked if it was okay and she told him that it was, so he carried on kissing her but now she was crying and screaming at him. Everything he thought he knew was wrong, everything he thought was okay wasn't okay. Ever since he met her, when she merely training him at the Crestmont Movie Theatre, he felt different.

•••

_"Are you gonna tell her?" Kat asked as she moved in closer to Clay. The girl was incapable of keeping quiet of the obvious crush Clay was developing, it was quite sweet really. She'd known Clay practically her whole life and he was still the socially awkward boy she knew, nothing had changed even if he did finally attend a party. She was leaving soon to a whole new place where she'd make new friends and her going away party was going pretty well. It was as much for Hannah to meet new people as it was to say goodbye to her. Hannah hadn't met too many people but Kat had hope for the rest of the night and she seemed to like Clay and Clay was a good friend to have._

_"Tell her what?" Clay asked, actually confused for a moment what the blonde girl was talking about._

_"Oh please, I've known you this entire century," Kat reminded him as she leant on the kitchen counter slightly, smiling at him with a knowing look in her eyes. It was this look that she gave him that confirmed to Clay what she was actually talking about, and it seemed his liking of Hannah hadn't gone unnoticed like he hoped it would._

_"Well give me a break. I'm not good with the- you know?" he paused for a moment and gave up with that point he was trying to make, moving onto just another excuse as to why he couldn't simply 'tell her' like Kat suggested. "And the gay rumour has only recently subsided," there was a hint of humour and a lot of truth to those words, Clay could remember for longest times of people thinking he was gay. Apparently being quiet and not playing sports was a good enough reason for his classmates to assume he liked guys, but to disappoint them he didn't and he actually had a girl in mind - Hannah Baker._

_"Hmm, so, the stakes are high for you?" Kat asked with a subtle sarcasm. Clearly she didn't like his excuses but she found it endearing none the less. She saw too many guys like Clay miss out on the girl because he was too scared to say something or too scared to even admit it to himself. Clay had admitted it to himself though, and he knew exactly why he liked Hannah._

_"It's like around her I can be different, you know? Like I'm the new and improved Clay Jensen - high school sophomore, archaeologist slash adventurer," he let out a slight laugh at his own words, realising how smitten he sounded. He really did like Hannah but he didn't think she'd ever like him back._

_"Clay, sweets, you're a prize but from my limited observation she has terrible taste in guys." Kat spoke from the encounter she witnessed between Bryce Walker and Hannah only minutes prior. Hannah definitely had bad taste in guys if she thought someone like Bryce was good to fall for, Clay was a much safer and a much better match for her. Bryce wasn't good for anyone._

_"You won't say anything to her?" Clay asked quickly, realising that now he'd admitted his feelings to Kat that she was more than capable of telling Hannah. Clay would tell her eventually, or at least he hoped they'd get close enough for him to be able to, but not right now._

_"Only if it comes up!" Kat grinned as she turned away from Clay and began disappearing into the crowd of teenagers long before Clay could respond._

_"Kat!" the boy called out hopelessly to the girl that had already disappeared into the party, no doubt looking for the new girl she was leaving behind._

•••

"You don't wanna be with me Clay," Hannah didn't say her assumption in an accusing tone, it sounded more like a warning. Clay couldn't understand why she'd warn him of something like that and the confusion spread across his face immediately. If this was the reason she pushed him away then he would be even more confused because it was the opposite to how he truly felt.

"But I do, I really do."  
What else could he say?   
There was the truth and then there was avoiding the truth, the two options Clay faced in this moment while Hannah turned away from him. Her hair still managed to hide her face despite it being shorter than before and Clay made a mental note to compliment her on her hairstyle change if he ever got the chance, if she ever spoke to him again. He had already told her that he liked it but he probably hadn't done it in the best way and now he wondered if any other things he'd said had been miscommunicated.

"You know what people will say?" she asked as she turned her head to look at the boy stood next to the bed. His shirt was on but unbuttoned and his hair was slightly messier than how it usually fell. Visible tears were still on her cheeks after falling from her eyes and she couldn't seem to find the energy to wipe them away, and she didn't care anymore.

"No and I don't care," Clay insisted as he stared into her beautiful eyes. Thus far he was saying nothing but the truth. His hopes were that the truth would be the better option for making Hannah feel better. Two things in his head were the two options for making her feel better, one of which leaving like she asked and the other telling her what he was still terrified to admit.

"Because it's easy for you, right? Because you're not the class slut," Hannah insisted, having to break their eye contact because she couldn't break down in front of him anymore than she already was.

"Don't say that," his voice grew softer, less insisting and more hurt that she'd even think such a thing about herself.

"Everybody says it!"

"I don't say it."

"Yes you did!" Hannah accused, her voice slightly raspy and pained from the tears. Her throat felt tight and she gulped, eyes finally staring at Clay who looked confused by her accusation, he clearly didn't remember. "When you saw that picture!" she reminded him, and the realisation hit.

"I didn't believe it," Clay said, hoping it would make all of the difference. Realistically he knew he was in the wrong for how he acted with her but he couldn't take it back now, he couldn't go back and change what happened.

The past is irreversibly.

Hannah's sobs and heavier breaths encouraged Clay to continue his reasons even if he wasn't sure they were helping. "I was angry for a minute because... because I was jealous of Justin." Clay paused, only to continue. "And I was mad at you for wanting him and not me. And I was an asshole and I'm sorry and I can never make it right and I could never say this to you but..."  
This time he really didn't know what to say, he didn't know whether to tell her the three words that he should have said a long time ago or to say something safer that he was less likely to get rejected by. Clay was a coward in this moment because he didn't want to admit it and he didn't want to get hurt. It was selfish but it made sense to him to wait until a more beautiful moment to tell the girl, he just didn't want it to happen like this.

_I love you._

"And I will never hurt you."

_I love you._

"And I'm not going."

_I love you._

"Not now."

_I love you._

"Not ever."

Clay couldn't tell Hannah that he loved her but he told her he'd be there and he hoped that was enough. Even though it wasn't enough forever, not yet, it was enough for right now. Hannah sobbed and turned away from him again because if she looked at him she knew she wouldn't be so composed. Clay felt a sob rising in his own throat and he edged towards her. He furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes scanning over her for a moment as he waited for her to tell him to leave. She hadn't said anything but that didn't mean she wanted him there, he could only take a risk and get closer to her anyway. He moved along the bed until he was close enough and wrapped his arms around the crying girl, the girl he was in love with.

Hannah felt his arms wrap around her and she couldn't help but be surprised that he didn't leave. He stayed, that was more than anyone else did. She clutched onto his arms that were wrapped around her and felt his body pressed against her back. Clay buried his face into her neck, finding himself feeling awful and overwhelmingly guilty for everything. Everything he did or didn't say to her before this moment was rushing back but at least he had her in his arms now, even if she wouldn't stay there long.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only Hannah had been so lucky.

Hannah didn't know how long she allowed herself to cry in Clay's arms, but it could never be long enough. She sobbed quietly, her eyes stinging from the tears and her breathing slightly unsteady. "Clay," she broke the silence with a broken whisper of his name, to which he almost jumped.

"Yeah?" Clay spoke quietly, talking only when she didn't continue herself. His arms didn't remove themselves from around her but he did loosen his firm hold. He just didn't want her to feel trapped.

Hannah's own desperate hold on his arms that were there to keep them in place loosened slowly, up until her arms fell to rest in her lap. "You can go-"

"I said I'm not going," Clay interrupted her and even though he thought his words spoke volumes, his actions were louder. He let her go. He dropped his arms from around her a few moments after she let go of them and sat there aimlessly. His eyes searched for hers but she was facing away from him and soon she was shaking her head, all he could see was her short curls bouncing softly above her shoulders.

Hannah didn't turn to look at Clay because if she looked at him she knew she'd change her mind, but she still didn't believe he cared enough and so she was going to tell him to go. "Just go," her voice was a lot more forceful this time. "Please Clay."

When he didn't hold onto her tightly, Hannah assumed he didn't care. It was wrong of her and deep down she knew she was wrong, but in her current state she felt like she was alone and was pushing people away so that became a fact and not just a thought in her head. So many guys had messed with her heart in the past, so many of them had made her hate who she was, and now she couldn't imagine anyone good liking her. Maybe _good_ guys didn't exist.

In Clay's head there was nothing more he could do. He had told her he wasn't going to hurt her and that he wouldn't leave but if she really wanted him to leave her alone then that's what he'd do. Well, not completely. Instead of running out of this party and never looking back he was going to stick around just to make sure she was okay. Hannah had never looked less okay than she did right now but Clay was going to grant her wish in leaving her alone, even if the logical side of himself told him to stay and stick to his word. "I'll uh, I'll be downstairs," Clay promised as he started to button up his shirt, craning his neck slightly in hopes he could look into her ocean blue eyes and understand her some more. He just couldn't catch them.

The brunette turned herself away from him even more, if that was possible, and could only listen as he walked towards the door and left the room.

Hannah learnt that her coworker, classmate and friend did care about her more than she gave him credit for but the overpowering voice in her head was just screaming at her that he left and he lied. Of course she told him to go, multiple times, and he was just following her request but she still wished he hadn't gone. At least he said he would be downstairs so she could see him before she left the party, she didn't want to push him away completely because then she'd truly be alone.

Hannah didn't want to lose Clay even if she was the one pushing him away. She thought he might have been different from everyone else, he said he wasn't going to hurt her after all and to not hurt her would be being different. Everyone else had hurt her.

She was now sat alone in Jessica's bedroom, somewhere she wasn't even supposed to be. Hannah didn't only feel alone in the way that she was the only one in the room but she felt like she didn't have anyone, she only came to this party because Clay invited her and now he was gone. Who was here for her now? Her clouded thoughts and her blurry eyes from tears were keeping her sat on the bed, waiting for herself to calm down so that she could walk back into the party with a smile, not a frown. The fact she wasn't supposed to be in this room caused her to panic when fumbling was heard outside of the door and she ducked out of sight, sitting with her back against the wall and hoping they'd leaving soon so that she could escape.

If only Hannah had been so lucky.

><

Clay struggled to pull the sleeve of his hoodie on as he exited the front door, he wasn't running away this time but he was escaping the mass of bodies in the house. The front garden was the lesser packed area of the house so he emerged from the crowd and onto the grass, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air that engulfed him. The hum of talking and laughing slowly started to sound distant and he looked around. He wasn't moving but the sound seemed to be further and further away by the second, all until someone called out to him and everything came back into focus.

"Clay!" the drunk voices of two guys chorused, Clay glancing to the two of them and waving just a little.

"Hey guys," he greeted, Zach holding up his drink in a 'cheers', before going back to laughing with the guy beside him. There were three of them, one of which Clay was close to unlike the others.

Jeff left his friends to catch up to the brunette that was looking out towards the road, a look of disappointment and slight disbelief on Jeff's face. Jeff truly believed tonight was the night that Clay Jensen got the girl, he thought Clay would finally make a move or tell her how he felt. Whatever the Clay Jensen way of getting a girl was, Jeff thought he'd pull it off tonight, but Clay had just hurried out of the house without the girl he was chasing anywhere in sight. From what Jeff observed all night, it had been going well for the two of them and she was totally into him, so it only made him more confused as to why Clay was in a hurry to leave. "Clay, dude, you're leaving?"

The ideal answer would be yes, he could escape the party and the girl. Those were two things that always made him anxious and made his social awkwardness stand out way too much, he just wasn't the type of guy who _partied_. The parties were getting easier the more he went to but he still found it difficult talking to girls, especially Hannah. He cared too much, if that was even possible, and he sometimes did the wrong thing just because he thought it was the right thing. He made a promise that he wasn't going to break, he was going to wait downstairs for her, even if he had already broken one promise that night. "No, I mean... not really," he shrugged and pulled the sleeves of his hoodie further over his hands to give himself something to fiddle with.

"Good. It looked like shit was happening for you in there," Jeff said as he gestured towards the house with his hand that was holding a red cup.

"Did it?"

"Didn't it?"

"I don't know, man, I just uh... I don't know anything," Clay admitted and Jeff would never know the extent of those words. Clay didn't know anything about girls or anything about anything, he felt so stupid and it was all his fault. Maybe if he'd listened to her more, or if he was better with girls, then there wouldn't be a lonely, crying Hannah in Jessica's bedroom right now.

"That's why you've got me, man. I know," Jeff assured, and Clay appreciated it. He really did appreciate it, but he felt like doing nothing more than running in the other direction of the house. A sort of gravitational pull was keeping his feet firmly placed on the ground and he glanced at the house and the people inside. Everyone looked like they were having fun and he felt his heart clench, the image of Hannah's tear stained cheeks coming to mind. "So don't go home, yeah? Hang with me for a while if you want. I'm going on a beer run soon if you wanna come?"

After a lot of thought, Clay shook his head. "I can't. I said I'd stay here. I'm just gonna stay and make sure Hannah's okay," Clay thought the front garden was as good a place as any to wait for Hannah, if not better. If she was going to leave then she'd more than likely walk out of the front door so Clay could see her, he would walk her home if she was alone. Well, he'd at least offer. "You're driving?" Clay asked, raising his eyebrows skeptically at the cup in Jeff's hands.

"It's called Coca Cola my friend. I've had two beers, two hours ago," he shrugged like it was nothing, and to be honest it kind of was. Jeff looked fine, not at all drunk, so Clay trusted he'd be safe driving to the store and back here with the beer.

Clay became uncertain about an earlier thought and caught Jeff's eyes. "Jeff?" he asked, to catch his attention, and Jeff nodded for him to continue. "Should I walk her home?" he had intended on walking her back since the beginning of the night to make up for the fact he didn't have his bike. He promised her a right on the bike if she came yet here she was and he didn't have his bike with him, that would have to wait for another time. If Hannah still liked him and wanted to talk to him after what happened upstairs then Clay would both be surprised and relieved, he'd just have to wait for her to come downstairs to find out.

Jeff shrugged and took another sip of his drink. "Yeah, why not?" he laughed, finding Clay's innocent and gentlemanly gestures to be quite funny compared to what any other guy would be thinking. It was nice, it was very _Clay_ of him.

The two boys didn't talk for much longer before Jeff disappeared into the house to find Sheri, she was blocking his car in and he was ready to go and get the beer. Clay had been wondering for a while whether to search for Hannah or just stay sat on the steps outside of the house. Sitting outside was a lot easier than facing the girl but he was very concerned about her. For all he knew she might have left already, or she might still be sat on the bed in Jessica's room crying. That was all the motivation he needed to push himself up from the steps and go inside to search for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it! (:


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dude why didn't you say something?" Jeff asked and shoved Clay's shoulder lightly.  
> "Leave me alone," Clay said with a small smile, watching as the houses started rushing by.

Hannah felt empty.

After stumbling down the stairs, partially unable to move, her eyes fell on the one person who could have stopped it. There were two people that could have saved Jessica Davis and those two people were Hannah Baker and Justin Foley. Neither managed to save her and they would have to live with that for the rest of their lives.

The boy looked distraught as he sat on the sofa, a look of sadness and guilt on his face. He most definitely should feel guilty, Hannah knew she did. Her body ached and she felt slightly numbed as she reached the bottom of the stairs. She couldn't bring herself to stay stood, it felt like she was having to drag herself along the floor before she found a seat on the piano chair. Glad to be facing away from the rest of the party, Hannah stared sombrely at the piano keys.

Empty.

With each soft press down on the keys, a very soft, barely audible sound came from the piano. Somehow she managed to focus on the small, soft sounds the piano made rather than the laughing and usual loudness of the party happening all around her. The buzz of the party was consuming her, leaving her sat in the centre with nothing but the events of that night replaying over and over again in her head. Her thoughts wandered to Clay and his promise that he'd be downstairs, she even managed to find the will power to glance around the room for him, but he wasn't there. All Hannah could do was assume that he left.

Hannah was wrong, like she was about a few things, and Clay Jensen was actually walking around this party looking for her.

She wanted to leave, she wanted to go home, but she felt too weak after witnessing and hearing something so awful upstairs. Words couldn't describe the feelings Hannah had because she wasn't sure if she was feeling anything at all. It was either too many emotions to comprehend or none at all, but either way her legs were weak and her eyes were staring blankly at the mixture of white and black on the piano. To anyone passing by she'd merely look drunk, but Hannah didn't feel the slightest bit drunk. Any alcohol she'd consumed prior to now had worn off, she felt sober, yet maybe it'd be easier if she wasn't.

A short exchange between Jeff and Sheri happened in the room beside Hannah, but even those words were a blur to her. Jeff passed by the piano in his search for Sheri and his eyes completely missed the short haired girl sat at the side of the room, the one his friend was looking for. He simply asked Sheri to move her car and gave her a nod when she said yes. "Thank you ma'am," he said kindly before he turned and left out of the front door.

Sheri was Hannah's unlikely hero. But, was she even a hero at all?

"Hey, you need a ride home?"

Hannah slowly removed her eyes from the piano keys to the girl hovering over her. "Is it that obvious?" she asked, assuming her slow movements and distracted mind was enough to make her look 'not so good', as Sheri put it.

"I mean you always look _good_ , but... you don't look so good," Sheri tried to explain but she thought that in the detached state Hannah was in right now she wouldn't care much anyway. "I can give you a ride."

Despite everything that had happened, Hannah saw this as a way to escape. Sheri came along like a blessing in that moment, offering Hannah a way out when she felt trapped in a bubble of emptiness. Hannah didn't just want to leave, she needed to, and Sheri was giving her a way to do that. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, not wanting to get into even more trouble.

Sheri laughed before shaking her head. "Barely anything." When Hannah didn't look so convinced she sighed. "Okay, watch this," she cleared some space before doing a cartwheel. The room erupted into a few cheers and whistles, making the dark haired girl smile to herself and lean closer to Hannah. "Now if I can do that, I can drive home. Come on."

That was as much convincing as it took for Hannah to let Sheri help her stand, Hannah in no fit state to be able to walk alone. Sheri wasn't the first person she thought she'd receive help from but she accepted it none the less. Sheri helped Hannah out of the front door and towards her car that was blocking Jeff's in.

•••

_They got into the car and they drove away. Hannah allowed Sheri to talk for most of the way, the girl was actually rather nice. Well, she_ was _nice, until she left Hannah on the side of the road._

_Hannah stared at the broken stop sign, her eyes helplessly watching Sheri's car disappear down the street. Sheri left._

_Hannah had her phone in her hand but the battery was dead and she didn't know where to go, until she recognised her surroundings and knew there was a shop not too far away. The place she often bought her chocolate from was down the street, but unfortunately it wasn't close enough for her to stop what happened that night._

_Something bad happened, and it was irreversible._

_Jeff Atkins deserved all of the life in the world but it was cut short, a drunk driver label weighing on the memory of him after no one reported the broken stop sign. Had just one thing gone differently that night then perhaps he wouldn't have died, maybe he would've returned to the party with the beer and everyone would have been_ fine.

_Well, luckily for Jeff the butterfly effect was truly on his side. That one thing did go differently and that one thing saved his life._

_Clay didn't leave the party._   
_Clay unknowingly saved his best friend's life._

•••

Clay was still looking for Hannah. He'd searched upstairs and downstairs. Hell, he'd searched outside and in every place the girl could possibly be hiding. Jeff knew that the boy was inside looking for her and when he saw her exiting the front door, Sheri holding her steady as they walked, he jumped up. "One second," he told the friend he had been talking to, putting his red cup down on the floor at his feet and taking some big, hurried steps towards them.

"Hey! Hannah!" the boy called out as he neared the car, wanting to stop her from getting away. Clay was still wandering around the house looking for her and yet here she was. It crossed his mind that Hannah didn't want to see Clay, but he was Clay's friend so he was going to do whatever he could to get him the girl he had been pining for.

The two girls barely reached the car before they heard Jeff, Hannah placing a hand on the car to steady herself while she turned to look at him. Seeing Jeff reminded her of Clay and she didn't speak, she just waited for him to continue, which he did. "Clay is looking for you," Jeff said and glanced back at the house as though he might see him. "I can go and get him if you want? Before you go?" Jeff had to admit that Hannah didn't look so good, there was a look in her eye that told him she was anything other than okay. It did cross his mind that her state might have been Clay's fault, but there was no way Clay would intentionally upset her.

Everything was registering a little slower than normal. Hannah wasn't feeling any type of emotions, she had detached from herself to save her the pain of dealing with what she witnessed in Jessica's bedroom, but hearing that Clay was here caused her heart to clench. She could tell Clay, she could tell him everything. Clay would know what to do or he'd at least pretend he did, yet Hannah still shook her head. "I don't know," she said.

"He was worried," Jeff added, wondering if he could persuade her.

Purely for the fact Clay kept his promise and stayed, Hannah changed her mind. She nodded and stayed propped up using the car, looking at the house too as though Clay would walk out at just the right moment.

When Clay didn't appear, Jeff raised his hand up and motioned for the girls to stay put. "Just wait a minute," no sooner he spoke he was already half way towards the house.

><

Clay was getting more and more frustrated as the night went on. He'd lost her. Hannah wasn't here. He grew angry at himself for not staying outside like he originally planned because she would have at least passed him before she left. Hannah would leave the party thinking he broke another one of his promises but he didn't, he waited just like he said he would. Clay would have waited a lifetime just to make sure she was okay. He'd called her once and was constantly checking his phone for messages or calls, which she didn't give him.

"Clay!" he snapped from his thoughts as someone shouted his name across the room. Jeff? Clay shot him a confused glance, thinking Jeff would have left already to get the beer. "Yeah man, she's outside," it didn't take a genius to know who Jeff was talking about, there was only one girl the two of them spoke about and that was Hannah Baker. "She doesn't look so good," he added.

Clay started moving at 'outside', manoeuvring around the people in the party to reach the front door. He only moved faster when hearing Hannah didn't look very well, Clay immediately thought she was still upset which made him feel guilty for leaving her.

When his eyes landed on Hannah she didn't look like she'd been crying or like she was upset, she just looked very distant and slow. She wasn't this intoxicated when he left her so maybe she'd had more to drink. "Hannah?" Clay hated himself for even phrasing it as a question but he didn't want to scary her away like he did upstairs.

"Look I really have to go," Sheri told them, stepping away from Hannah and towards the other side of the car. "Do you still need a ride Hannah?"

"I'll take her home," Jeff offered, giving any excuse he could so that Clay had the time to tell her what he really needed to tell her. Clay was in love with Hannah yet he was still too afraid to admit it. Sheri was satisfied with that answer because she didn't have to leave feeling guilty for not helping Hannah, Clay would take care of her, but she could still leave.

Hannah's hand remained placed on the car to keep herself stood up, her legs weak and unsteady. Upon seeing how weak she was, Clay neared her. His movements were too slow and hesitant for her liking, but she appreciated he was there.

"Hannah are you-"

"My parents are going to kill me," Hannah's tone verged on serious but she was trying to stop him from asking that dreaded question: _are you okay_? Of course Hannah wasn't okay but she didn't know if she'd ever be ready to open up to Clay, Clay deserved so much better than a relationship with her.

Clay let his usual smile come to his lips and he nodded. "Yeah," he agreed. "Me too."

Hannah heard the engine of Sheri's car start and took that as a signal to move away from it before it drove off. She painfully removed herself from the safety of being against the car, but instead of falling someone caught her. Clay had been ready to catch her the entire time, and her hands gripped onto his arms to keep herself steady. They shared a look of understanding even if Clay didn't understand what Hannah was going through completely, and Clay silently helped her into Jeff's car. With a look in his direction, Jeff motioned for him to get in the back with Hannah.

Though he disapproved of Jeff's obvious hinting, Clay got in the backseat. Unfortunately the ride to Hannah's house was silent besides the quiet hum of the radio, Jeff's constant looks in the mirror to urge Clay to say something being ignored. Hannah was too lost in her own thoughts to want to talk to him so he would leave this conversation for another day. The girl was staring out of the window blankly, Clay wishing he knew what she was thinking about like he often did.

"Here we are," Jeff announced when the car stopped outside of Hannah's house. He'd been there for a party before, as had Clay, but neither had seen it looking so empty and quiet.

"I'll see you at school," Hannah told them before she got out of the car and slowly walked into her house. Clay was going to help her but decided against it, she was walking just fine now. Even if he didn't completely save her that night, he did show her he cared more than she thought he did.

Clay climbed into the front seat of Jeff's car, rolling his eyes at Jeff's raised eyebrows and wide eyes. "Dude why didn't you say something?" Jeff asked and shoved Clay's shoulder lightly. The smaller of the two frowned, rubbing his arm as though it hurt when they both knew it didn't.

"Leave me alone," Clay said with a small smile, watching as the houses started rushing by. His eyes ended up fixed on a stop sign when Jeff paused in the road but he wasn't sure why he found such an interest in it. It was probably no reason, and that thought was long forgotten when Jeff dropped him off at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! (:


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither of them could figure out if the silence was due to Clay's homework or because of the tension after what happened at the party. Hannah wanted to tell Clay everything, she wanted to explain everything that happened, but she didn't. Why didn't she? Hannah didn't know.

Monday soon rolled around, the school open and the halls packed with students. The opening and closing of lockers wasn't the most pleasant of sounds, but it was familiar. Hannah kept wondering if the normality of school would rid her of the memories of the party but she couldn't stop thinking about it. She walked into school alone, she didn't have any friends after all, and went to her locker.

Not doing something was just as important as actually doing something.

Hannah had learnt a lot since she moved to this town; a lot of which was learnt the hard way. The awful thing that happened at Jessica's party was of no fault of Hannah's and not particularly Justin's either, he tried to stop it but he couldn't. He should have tried harder but Hannah knew the same argument could be said about herself. It wasn't about what she didn't do, and it wasn't about what Justin didn't do either, it was about what Bryce Walker did.

In the curly haired girl's mind she thought it was partially her fault for letting it happen and there was a horrible guilt weighing over her head. The guilt was wrongly placed considering the monster that committed the crime felt as great as always.

_Unfortunately, Bryce Walker, you are not great at all._

Hannah glanced around from her locker and across the hall to where she knew Justin would be standing. Sure enough, the boy was there, but he didn't look as happy as usual.

_Are you feeling it too, Justin Foley? Are you feeling the guilt?_

Everything that happened was still haunting her and she couldn't get the thoughts to stop. In some ways it was worse to be at school because she'd have to see the people involved, she'd have to see Jessica and remember what she witnessed, but if she wasn't at school then she'd be completely alone and having to answer to her parents as to why she didn't want to attend. Hannah couldn't think of another reason why she was at school, not until she scanned the hallway and saw a shining light in a sea of darkness.

Clay Jensen.

Perhaps there was more to her decision to come to school this morning than just to avoid her parents and their marital problems, perhaps she wanted to make sure Helmet didn't hate her. Their first kiss, their only kiss, had happened in Jessica Davis' bedroom at the weekend. It wasn't as magical as Hannah thought it would be, she'd hoped when she kissed him that there would be something as cliche as fireworks or butterflies. The butterflies were there, there was a spark, but it was all short lived.

Hannah relived every bad experience with a boy she'd ever had in her head. Justin with the photo, her first kiss, and Marcus with Valentine's Day. She thought about Zach and how he stole her compliments from her bag, she just thought about every moment, and Clay became all of those boys.

_"I thought you were easy."_  
_"Hannah Baker is a slut."_  
_"I bet you went down on him too."_  
_"Sometimes it's better to wait."_

><

Clay slammed his locker shut, the force of his action unintentional. He was too lost in thought, staring at Hannah, to be paying attention to what he was doing. His own slam of the locker brought him back to reality, blinking a few times at the sudden bang. It broke the eye contact he shared with the girl too, the longing and pained eye contact. He wished he had the confidence to go up and talk to her but he didn't think she'd want to talk to him, he wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to talk to him ever again.

Something that happened at Jessica's party had really upset her and the last thing Clay wanted was to make it worse, for all he knew he could have been the reason she was upset. He felt like an idiot, an idiot that didn't understand girls or anything else. Maybe he was destined to be alone, no girlfriend, like he'd been the whole of his life so far.

His first kiss hadn't been all too glamorous anyway, apparently his first kiss was worth ten dollars to a girl called Andrea Williams. His first kiss had been a stolen one. The young Clay Jensen had been blinded by her sweet whispers in his ear and her fluttering eyelashes, all until she caught his lips in a kiss. Strawberry lip gloss, that's what it tasted like, but then it tasted a lot like embarrassment as she walked away and collected five dollars from each of her two friends.

How embarrassing.

Shaking away the embarrassment of his younger self, Clay looked down at the book in his hands. Just his luck, the wrong book. Clay grew frustrated with his tired self and opened his locker up again, only this time when he shut the door there was a girl stood on the other side of it. She almost caused him to jump out of his skin, her sudden presence made him jump and his eyes widen, but his shoulders fell back into their usual position and his eyes rested calmly on her face. Clay wasn't ready for this interaction yet, he didn't think he'd ever be ready. He thought she hated him.

Once again Clay found himself knowing nothing about girls.

Hannah smiled at Clay, her feet having taken her towards the only kind face in the crowded hall. Being amidst all of the rumours, the false reputation and the bullying was almost getting too much for Hannah to handle, but Clay always made her feel safe and secure in this hell they called school. She wouldn't dare bring up the kiss they shared at Jessica's party but she could really use a friend right now, even if she couldn't tell him why.

"Hey Hannah."

"Hey Helmet."

Hannah let the nickname roll off of her tongue naturally and the use of the nickname brought a smile to Clay's face too. His unsure, hesitant movements were soon back to their usual calmness, another familiarity Hannah learnt to recognise now that she wanted to do anything other than think about the party she attended. As she looked at Clay she wondered if he regretted inviting her to Jessica's party, Hannah knew she regretted attending.

Not many more words were exchanged before they started moving to their first class, a class they shared. It was a comfortable silence much like the ones they shared at the movie theatre when they ran out of things to say or didn't feel like talking. Sometimes Clay found the silences awkward but only because he feared Hannah was too. She wasn't, they were perfect, but both of them were always worried about what the other was thinking.

><

Clay spread his books over the lunch table as he tried to finish some homework due in that afternoon. Last minute homework was always risky but with the party at the weekend he completely forgot about completing it. He wasn't particularly worried about it anyway and no one sat with him at lunch so he could spread out and use the space to his advantage. A few students glanced at Clay to see what he was doing but eyes never stayed on him for long, homework was boring enough let alone to watch someone do it.

Even with the boring papers spread out across the desk and an uninviting, stressed frown on his face, someone still came and hovered directly opposite him holding their tray. Clay slowly pried his eyes away from the sentence he was writing and immediately his frown vanished when he laid eyes on Hannah. Her eyes were glistening but she had a small smile on her face, two things that didn't normally go together in a positive way but he felt that in the middle of the cafeteria it wasn't the best place to ask. Instead of telling her to leave or explaining that he had homework like he'd done once before, Clay moved his things that were directly opposite him and offered a smile so that she could sit.

Again, silence enveloped the two as Clay did his homework and Hannah picked at her food. She didn't have much of an appetite so she watched Clay write words onto a page with interest more than she ate. Clay was going to eat when he'd finished his assignment.

Neither of them could figure out if the silence was due to Clay's homework or because of the tension after what happened at the party. Hannah wanted to tell Clay everything, she wanted to explain everything that happened, but she didn't. Why didn't she? Hannah didn't know. The more she looked at Clay, the more she didn't want to push herself onto him as burden because he deserved so much better.

Finally it neared the end of lunch and Clay packed away his school things. He now had ten minutes to eat before the bell would ring to signal the end of their freedom and the start of their captivity in more classes. As he lifted his sandwich to his mouth and took a bite, he glanced around the hall casually, only to have his eyes fall on Hannah. She was staring at him. Heat rose to Clay's cheeks as he finished the bite and smiled shyly, frowning at her.

"What?"

"I'm just thinking about that ride on your bike you owe me," Hannah said. It wasn't a complete lie, she kept thinking about it, but the real reason she was staring at him was different. Hannah was staring at Clay because he made her feel safe he made her feel like they were the only two in the room. It sounds like a cliche romance novel, almost like the real world couldn't be that way, but Hannah Baker felt it. Even when Clay wasn't speaking and the room was full of noise, her mind could trick her into forgetting all of her worries and all of the people. It was all white noise and Clay's voice was the only one she focused on and properly heard.

His laugh filled her ears and caused her to laugh too, it was contagious. "I did promise," he nodded and thought for a moment. "I can walk you home later?" he offered, unsure if he regretted it after he suggested it. "I mean... if you want? You can go on my bike, as promised."

Hannah pretended to think about it so that she didn't come across as too keen but nodded anyway. Clay had a way of making things seem so easy to her, she almost couldn't believe how natural he was. On the inside Clay was anything but calm, he wouldn't have believed Hannah if she told him he looked otherwise. "Great, yeah," she added and watched Clay take another bite of her sandwich. She diverted her eyes so she wasn't staring, feeling her eyes water at the sight of her former best friend being loved up with her boyfriend at another table.

Unfortunately Jessica's eyes caught hers, growing defensive and almost angry after catching Hannah's stare. It caused Hannah to dart her eyes down. Did Jessica not know? The girl didn't look any different from how she looked on Friday before it all happened, though Hannah didn't know what she expected. Did she expect a drastic change? Probably.

"Hey Hannah? You okay?" Clay asked, knowing that was a rather broad question.

Hannah looked up at Clay with watery eyes, the same eyes she had when she approached the table. "Sure."

Clay wasn't convinced but by the time he finished the next bite of his lunch, the bell rang. He should have dropped everything, skipped class, and spoken to the girl all afternoon until she told him what was wrong. He didn't. Clay picked up his things and promised he'd see her at the end of school, whether that be outside by his bike or by their lockers, and then disappeared into the crowds of students to his next class where he could hand in the assignment he spent the whole of lunch completing. He'd hardly eaten and his stomach made a low grumble, he'd eat when he got home.

><

The end of the day couldn't come soon enough and finally Hannah walked out of the prison-like walls. She had been let out relatively early from class so she thought she'd be outside before Clay, she was right. She walked over to his bike where his helmet was hanging off of one of the handlebars and the memory of seeing him wear the helmet caused her to smile. The nickname always made them both smile even if Clay wouldn't admit that he liked it. It had started with her taunting him for wearing it, but wearing the helmet beat having a cut on his head.

Finally the brunette walked out of the school and reached Hannah. "Hey," he smiled, getting the bike out from the bike stands and leaving the helmet on the handlebars. He wasn't sure if she'd actually want to ride it the whole way, probably not, so Clay walked the bike while they chatted to the exit of the school grounds. He knew the way to Hannah's house but let her somewhat lead the way.

Around halfway there, Clay looked at Hannah and searched her face for the sadness he'd seen at lunchtime. Either she was getting better at hiding it or she genuinely felt better, something told Clay it wasn't the latter. "Hannah, are you okay?" he asked. His tone was comforting and calm, everything he could think that might encourage her to tell him the truth.

The pause before she spoke was too long, it made Clay regret asking, but as soon as she answered he was beyond glad that he did.

"I don't think I am."

The glistening of her eyes returned, making her blue eyes sparkle with a sadness she hadn't showed anyone in a long time. The bike was separating the two and even the short distance was too much for Clay. He just wanted to hold her, he didn't know what was wrong but he didn't want to ask. They both came to a stop when she spoke and Clay laid the bike down on the ground. He stumbled over it in his rush to get close to her. "Hannah," his voice was full of concern and a sadness of his own, but he didn't quite know what to say.

Hannah didn't reject the hug he hesitantly gave her, she just wrapped her arms around him tightly so that he didn't let go too soon. She held him so tightly it was like he was the only thing keeping her grounded. Her eyes closed tightly so that the increasing amount of tears couldn't escape, it didn't help and the tears wet her cheeks and the shoulder of Clay's hoodie.

No words were exchanged, it was quiet besides the odd sniffle from the girl, and eventually she pulled away from him. Clay half expected her to tell him to leave like she did at the party but she didn't. Instead, she reached down and picked up the bike. She stood it back up and her hand took the helmet off of the handlebar. His concerned eyes were still searching her face and asking the painful question she couldn't answer.

_Why?_

Hannah wasn't ready to explain everything to him yet so she only smiled at him, wiping her tears away, and put the helmet onto her head.

"Aren't you afraid of helmet hair?" Clay asked, using that same line she'd asked him when she first saw him wearing his helmet. It made her smile and Clay noted that as a success.

"My hair does the same thing either way," Hannah was lying but it was for the memory that she said it. Though she couldn't remember Clay's exact words, she knew he said something along those lines and it was good enough. She got onto the bike and turned to wink at Clay. "I'll race you," before she'd even finished the last word she had pushed off down the street, wobbling for a moment before the bike steadied and she skilfully rode down the sidewalk. Clay didn't particularly want to win but he thought it would be fun to play along so he started running after the girl.

Clay Jensen was chasing Hannah Baker.  
And, well, that statement was true in more than just the literal sense.

Hannah stopped at the end of the street where she lived, laughing softly when she turned and saw Clay rather far behind. While he caught up she took the helmet off of her head and hung it on the handlebars, exactly where it was before.

Instead of overthinking, Hannah let an offer slip past her lips that she had been thinking about while they walked towards her house slowly.

"Clay?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to stay for dinner?"

Clay's face must have been a picture because Hannah laughed when she saw it. A mixture of shock, confusion, nervousness and happiness grazed his features before he frowned. He nodded with his furrowed eyebrows, thinking about why the hell he just agreed to something he knew would send his anxiety through the roof. They weren't dating, it was no big deal, it was just _dinner_.

"Sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! The next chapter will probably be quite cute with dinner with the Bakers! (;


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So, Clay, do you have a girlfriend?" Olivia asked, eyes still sparkling.

"So," the woman's eyes gleamed. "How did you and Hannah meet?"

It was an innocent question but the woman's husband looked at her somewhat disapprovingly, in the most humorous way possible. Though she liked to believe it was an innocent question, both her husband and her daughter gave her the same look that exposed her question to be anything other than innocent. It was the sort of question a parent asked their son or daughter's girlfriend or boyfriend and Hannah had made it clear to them that Clay was just a friend. The knowing look her mother had given her when Hannah insisted Clay was _just a friend_ only earned a roll of the eyes because Hannah refused to admit it.

Olivia liked to believe that mothers just... _knew_. They knew when their daughter liked someone, or at least they thought they did. In this case she was completely right even if Hannah refused to admit it yet. The woman was so sure that she ignored Hannah and Andrew's looks and rested her eyes on the nervous, pleasant boy sat with his fork gripped tightly in his hand.

"We both work at the Crestmont," Clay said with a shy, unsure smile. "I mean, _worked_ ," he corrected and though sure about his answer, he was completely unsure on how to act in this situation. The family kept giving each other looks that were putting him on edge, but he knew it was nothing to do with him. It just worried him because he had no idea what the looks meant, understanding Hannah Baker had never been one of his strengths. Clay was just nervous, he'd never had dinner at a girl's house before so he could only imagine what his mother would say when he got home. He'd called her and said he was having dinner at a friend's house but hadn't told her who. She'd definitely ask who when he got home and, when she did, he knew there would be a long list of questions after he said _Hannah_.

Clay could imagine Hannah's parents were thinking the same thing about the fact their daughter had a boy over. It wasn't like that, even if Clay wished it could be, because they weren't dating.

Thus far Hannah's parents had been really nice, the food was good and Hannah hadn't stopped smiling so Clay was glad he agreed to stay. After seeing her watery eyes and sad smile so much over the last few days he was glad he could finally see her considerably happy. There was no doubt that Clay had loved being able to hug Hannah to comfort her but he'd much rather see her smile even if that meant he didn't have an excuse to hold her.

Clay put another fork of food into his mouth, his table manners rather exceptional considering he was always overly polite when he was at someone else's house. Clay never got complaints from parents. In fact, parents loved him, but this wasn't just a friend's house. Technically it was but Hannah wasn't just a friend to him. Clay really wanted Hannah's parents to like him.

The chatting continued between the four sat at the dinner table, Clay allowing his eyes to wander over baby photos of Hannah that were in frames on the set of drawers behind the table. The photo frames held some very cute photos and he couldn't help but smile.

"This is really nice, thank you Mrs. Baker," Clay said when they fell into a sort of silence. Clay hadn't spoken in a while, letting Hannah's parents tell Hannah about the shop and ask about her day, but then he felt the need to say something.

"Thank you Clay, and please, call me Olivia," the woman chuckled, looking over at Hannah with a look to show that she was impressed by his manners. Clay was much the gentleman. Just like the woman had gotten for her knowing look in the kitchen, Hannah rolled her eyes but the smile on her face assured she didn't actually mind her mother's looks and assumptions.

In all honesty, Hannah was finding this all quite funny. Clay was nervous, that in itself was an adorable sight, and her mother thought she knew something that Hannah didn't. It was exactly what she expected when bringing a boy home. She was stupid to think that boy would be Justin Foley when she first started school here, she couldn't have been more wrong, but Clay? Clay was a lot better than him and she could actually get used to having him around more.

It dawned on her that Clay Jensen might be the only friend she had right now, maybe even for the rest of her time at school - or on this Earth. Everyone she once considered to be 'close' were gone, even Jessica, so what was left for her now? The answer to that question had been so unclear until this very moment. Sat beside her mother, opposite Clay and diagonal to her father she realised maybe there wasn't anything else, or anyone else, that she needed.

Just Clay Jensen.

The problem was, she wasn't good enough for him or good for him at all, so that meant she didn't really have him or deserve him for that matter.

"So, Clay, do you have a girlfriend?" Olivia asked, eyes still sparkling.

That was a question he didn't know how to answer, a question that caused him to almost choke on his food. "Oh, uh," he gulped, eyes darting between the three people at the table with him. It wasn't until he saw Hannah's eyes brighter than he'd ever seen them and a real smile on her face that he smiled too. "No, no I don't." Clay had known the answer of course, but it surprised him that the woman asked the question at all.

Hannah was also surprised but the surprise was soon replaced with amusement and a laugh. Clay felt the heat rise to his cheeks and he tried his best to stifle his smile. If his own awkwardness and startled nature to such questions were making her happy then he didn't mind suffering through the nerves. It was a win for the both of them because she looked stunning when she laughed, he just didn't want to be caught staring.

"Why is that?" Olivia pried further, watchful eyes not failing to notice how Clay watched Hannah while she laughed. If Hannah had feelings for him then the feelings were most definitely returned, Olivia had seen those types of looks enough times to identify them.

Clay only blushed further at her question because he didn't know how to answer. "I don't know," he said honestly, looking down at his plate of food and moving it around with his fork to give him a distraction. He was desperate for a distraction from the conversation by this point. Andrew was the only one not looking at him, he was looking at his wife to try and convince her to stop asking these sorts of questions. The older man couldn't have been more oblivious to what Olivia was doing or why she was asking these questions, but he could see Clay's cheeks turning a shade of pink and wanted to save him the embarrassment and nerves.

Hannah's father wasn't the sort to interrogate a potential boyfriend of his daughter's, he was too oblivious to even notice Clay was anything more than a friend, and would be grateful to have such a nice boy for his daughter anyway. Andrew wished he could have a problem like an over protective father but there was nothing that he could find as a fault within Clay.

"You are a lovely young man Clay, very polite," Olivia smiled and stood from her chair to collect the plates that were finished with. The brunette thanked her again when she attempted to take his plate but shook his head and began standing himself.

"I can help," Clay assured and took the plates from the woman. She raised her eyebrows, again impressed by his manners, and decided to allow Clay to take them. "I can wash up," he added.

"Clay, you really don't have to," Hannah said as she stood up.

"Why don't you do it together?" Olivia suggested and handed Hannah two of the plates. The girl took them but she saw through her mother's suggestion, it was about as innocent as her questions.

Still, Hannah nodded, and laughed at her mother's matchmaking attempts. Clay might have been oblivious but she most definitely wasn't. The two teens took the plates into the kitchen between them and shared shy smiles as they went to the sink to wash up. Clay filled the sink with water and didn't expect Hannah to do anything, he didn't want her to considering she was kind enough to invite him. It was the least he could do to wash up but Hannah's company was nice. They didn't talk and the silence was a little awkward, unlike previous ones today, but that was soon rectified. Clay put his hands in the water to start washing up and he felt the girl's arm brush against his. Hannah lightly nudged him to the side, putting her hands in the water too so that they could both clean. Twice the people meant half the work, and Hannah would have used any excuse to get a little closer to him too. His hugs were warm and comforting, they almost made her forget about all of the bad, so being close to him was good enough.

They didn't wash for long before Hannah flicked a little bit of water at him, intentionally of course. Her smile turned mischievous and playful while he looked at her with challenging eyes. No words were exchanged, Clay only flicked water right back at her.

Somehow the chore of washing the plates didn't seem like a chore, especially when they continued flicking water at each other. Their laughs were filling the kitchen, water spilling on the floor. It wasn't a lot but enough for Hannah to lose her footing and slip, conveniently right towards the boy. Clay caught her before she fell, the two laughing as he steadied her. "Truce?" he asked. Hannah got some bubbles from her hand and put them on his nose before nodding.

"Truce," the girl replied after satisfied with the bubbles on the end of his nose.

Clay didn't wipe them off until he was sure Hannah was steady on her feet, only then did he let go of her and wipe the bubbles from his nose. He laughed and went back to washing up because he didn't want to overstay his welcome and it was getting rather late. The two went back to their position at the sink, washing the dishes together and leaving them on the drying rack to dry. Shy and subtle looks were exchanged, small laughs escaping them when they caught each other staring, but it was all innocent and couldn't rectify their insecurities just yet.

Clay dried his hands on a towel when they finished, smiling at Hannah and laughing at some bubbles that had made their way into her hair. He reached forwards and got them out, not even noticing her eyes watching his movements.

"I think I should go soon," Clay admitted, even though he was definitely sad and not rushing to leave. Hannah understood and she nodded, he'd already stayed way longer than expected because he wasn't even going to stay for dinner in the first place.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow anyway," Hannah said and dried her own hands. She dropped the towel to the floor and moved it with her foot so that it wiped up the water, she didn't want one of them to slip or for her parents to either. "Do you want me to drop you off?" Hannah knew he would say no but she felt the need to offer.

"No don't worry, thanks for having me over for dinner though... I'm glad I stayed," Clay blushed, feeling incredibly awkward, and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm glad you stayed too."

Mr and Mrs Baker walked into the kitchen with smiles, they'd heard the goodbyes being made and thought they should say their own. Mrs. Baker made sure to tell Clay to come over anytime and compliment him on his manners, whereas Mr. Baker just said goodbye and wished him a safe ride home on his bike. Hannah pulled on the sleeve of Clay's hoodie to guide him to the door, the boy fine with being dragged along behind her, and she hugged him quickly before he left. The hug was too short and too rushed but neither of them were confident enough for anything longer, so Hannah opened the door for him and watched him leave. She watched him ride all of the way down the street until he disappeared, only then shutting the door.

"So," Hannah heard her mother's voice behind her and she had to force the smile off of her face before she turned around to look at her parents. She didn't want her mother to have the satisfaction of being right, because she was completely right. Hannah really liked Clay but she didn't want her mother to know that.

"What?"

"Nothing," Olivia wasn't fooling anyone with that word, even if Andrew was still completely oblivious. Hannah nodded and took that as her signal to go to bed, but she knew better than to believe her mother would leave it there. "Clay," she began, earning a groan from her daughter.

Hannah's groan only made Olivia smile, if Hannah didn't want to talk about it then she could only assume she was right. "I want to go to bed."

"Oh, Hannah!" the woman said excitedly, walking over to the teenager with her eyes sparkling. "He's lovely."

"Yeah. I know he is."

><

Clay propped his bike up against the house and walked up the steps to the front door. He tried the handle and it was unlocked so he went inside, shutting the door and trusting his dad would lock up before going to sleep later. "Hello?" he called. "Mom I'm home," he tried again, still getting no response. At first he was confused but then his mom appeared.

"Hey," the blonde greeted, reaching up to squeeze her son's cheek very lightly in a motherly gesture. Clay scrunched up his nose at the gesture, though smiled too, and moved passed her into the living room. He pulled off his hoodie, the house was too warm for a jacket, and he put his bag on the floor beside the couch. "What friend's house did you go to for dinner?"

Clay knew this question was coming, he could already feel the heat rising to his cheeks. He pulled off his shoes and leaned back to get comfortable on the chair. "Hannah's."

"Hannah?"

"She's a friend, mom."

"Right. And how do you know this friend?" Lainie asked with a raise of her eyebrows. It wasn't too accusing, but it also kind of was. Lainie was excited that her son had been with a girl but was also confused as to why she'd never heard of this girl before. She liked to think her son told her everything, yet this was a name she'd never heard of before. The excitement didn't completely overpower the scepticism yet.

The boy smiled softly and looked around the room absently. "We work at the Crestmont together. I walked her home and she asked me to stay for dinner," he shrugged nonchalantly. Lainie didn't seem happy with his vagueness, so she continued with another question.

"Did she now?" the woman asked further, earning a nod from her son. "And do you like this friend?" this time her tone wasn't so much accusing but curious, a smile on her lips too.

"She wouldn't be my friend if I didn't like her," Clay shot back cleverly, and even though he wanted to stay sat down and rest he pushed himself up to escape this conversation. "I'm going to my room. I have homework," he didn't give much room for another question as he hugged his stunned mother and rushed up the stairs with his bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I quite like the cuter chapters but Bryce's party is at the end of this week... ):  
> Leave a comment with any suggestions, I love hearing what you think! <3 Thank you so much!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone told her she smiled when she saw his name, she'd deny it, but her lips did indeed curl upwards when she saw those four letters in their perfect order.

On Tuesday, Hannah sat with Clay in the cafeteria and they spoke about a new movie that was playing at the Crestmont.

On Wednesday, Clay went up to Hannah in the hallway and failed to ask her if she'd like to see said movie with him tomorrow night, because he couldn't quite get the words out.

On Thursday at lunch, the two sat in a comfortable silence while both of them completed overdue homework. They shared shy smiles and secret glances, but nothing more.

On Friday, Hannah heard about a party that was happening at Bryce's on Saturday, and she thought back to Clay's unsaid words on Wednesday. He had stuttered and fumbled over them before feeling stupid and giving up on them altogether. With little information, Hannah didn't know what Clay was going to ask, but she wished he'd asked her because her curiosity only grew as the days went by. He'd played it off as being _nothing_ , but it most definitely was not _nothing_ and Hannah was silently curious.

She promised herself that she wouldn't go to another party, she wouldn't put herself into a bad situation like that again, but with Bryce's party and Clay's tendency to ask her to things like that she assumed that was what he was going to say. If she was going to live with what happened to Jessica and not even be able to tell anyone about it, then she had to make sure that she witnessed nothing like that ever again. The problem was that if Clay asked her to go somewhere with him, how could she say no? It's what she'd been yearning for all week after all.

Though when Friday came to an end, Clay still hadn't asked her anything. Hannah was stood at her locker, hearing the roar of students as they left the school and enthused about another infamous Bryce Walker party, with a pool and a hot tub for all to enjoy. Hannah couldn't suppress the roll of her eyes and she subconsciously turned to glance over at Clay. She really hoped Clay wasn't going to this party, she didn't want the temptation of going herself. The girl already decided she would make a conscious effort to avoid it, with Bryce there was nothing but _bad_.

Clay's eyes caught hers and he offered a smile, a smile inviting enough for Hannah to close her locker and make her way over to him. "Hey Clay," she greeted plainly, though her eyes sparkled as she watched him retrieve certain books from his locker and put other ones back.

"Hey Hannah," he matched her greeting, still glad to see her smile. When Hannah didn't think anyone was looking, she looked awfully worried and sad. She was wrong to think that nobody noticed, Clay had stolen enough glances at her to see her sombre expression and slow, meaningless movements down the halls. "Are you alright?" the question he asked had a lot more depth to it than Hannah ever spoke in her answers, but he could deal with that for now.

"Yeah, are you going to Bryce's party tomorrow?" she asked, very hopeful he'd say no.

Clay shook his head almost straight away, and he had the exact same hope about her answer. "Are you?" Hannah matched his shake of the head and he could have sworn her smile grew. "I was actually, uh, going to-" Clay paused. Why couldn't he just ask her? Why couldn't he force the question out? Was it because it sounded too much like a date? Was he nervous?

_No. Just stupid_ , he thought.

"Going to what?" Hannah pressed. She wanted Clay to ask her... well, she wasn't sure what she specifically wanted him to say, but she wanted him to ask her the unspoken question from Wednesday. She wanted him to ask her to hang out somewhere other than the cafeteria at lunch and the halls before and after classes. After having dinner with her parents Hannah had expected Clay to want to see her outside of school more, even if just as friends. Hannah didn't have a job at the Crestmont anymore so they didn't see each other there, and this time she wanted Clay to make the first move. She wanted to see him regularly like she used to, she wanted to feel like they were actually friends and not just those friends at school that you spent time with just so you didn't look alone. Clay was more to her than just 'not looking alone', she begrudgingly had to admit to herself that he was her only friend, her best friend, and perhaps the only person that could save her from the emptiness inside whenever she was alone.

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh, okay," Hannah hid her disappointment.  She wished she'd pushed further, but maybe she didn't want to have to push him. She wanted him to ask on his own, without her and Jeff pushing him to do it. It was scary how good she had become at hiding things, especially emotions, but she would rather hide it than have to talk about it.

_Why didn't you ask me, Clay?_  
 _What_ were _you going to ask me?_  
 _Am I stupid for thinking you'd ask me on a_ date _?_  
 _Am I, Clay?_  
 _Really?_

Clay would have offered to walk Hannah home again because he wanted to talk to her, even if he was incapable of asking such a simple question, but he didn't get the chance. Hannah told him that she needed to get home and before he could so much as open his mouth to speak, he was watching the back of her short curls get further away.

His mind started playing tricks on him again, convincing him that he'd said something wrong. He replayed the conversation over and over again in his head, all the way home, but he couldn't place what he'd done wrong. The problem with Clay was that he always assumed it as what he said, when in reality it was what he _didn't_ say.

  ••• 

_"And I'm not going."_

**_I love you._ **

_"Not now."_

**_I love you._ **

_"Not ever."_

  ••• 

Clay walked inside of his house, his parents not really bothering him as he walked up the stairs to his room. Today had been the same as yesterday and yesterday was the same as the day before, or at least that's what his parents thought. Clay didn't tell them the details of school but they'd noticed how much better he was and the only thing they had to thank for that, as far as they knew, was Clay's new friend Hannah. As soon as the name had popped up in conversation on Monday night, Clay had been a bit more secretive about his days and a lot happier when he returned from school. His happiness was unsure and shy because he wasn't sure if he was allowed to be happy, even if having someone to sit with and talk to was making him feel better. His anxiety was dulled, like it had been for a while now, and he had Hannah to thank for it not being there at all when he was sitting in the cafeteria with her.

Being alone every lunch would eventually make any student anxious, or at least a little bit sad, so to have someone to sit with was doing more for him than she'd ever know. Clay always wondered why he got the pleasure of Hannah Baker's company every lunchtime, surely she had someone better to sit with, but he most definitely was not going to complain. He felt guilty for wanting her presence to be everlasting in his life, to be more than _lunchtime friends_ , but her smiles when she was with him couldn't all be fake even if her ones in the hallway and classes when aimed at others were. Hannah let her face fall when people weren't looking. Well, Clay was looking, and Clay wanted to put a smile back onto that beautiful face of hers, but he was too afraid to try.

The night he tried to open up to her and tell her how he felt, the night of Jessica's party, she'd told him to get out of the room and insisted he didn't want to be with her. He did, he really did, but maybe that was just her way of saying she didn't want to be with him. Why embarrass himself further by trying to be more than friends when she didn't want it?

><

The sun of Saturday morning was bright and garish, rudely streaming in through the windows and attacking Hannah's retinas. She had been awake for almost an hour now, having showered and got dressed, but that didn't change how obnoxious she was finding the brightness of the day. Her parents had been at work for a long time, long before she even opened her eyes, and the house was as empty as she felt inside.

For some reason Hannah found the weekend far worse than the weekdays. Some might say the weekdays are worse because of going to school and facing the cruel students, but Hannah would beg to differ. Clay Jensen was not cruel, and Clay Jensen could only really be found in the crowded school halls. Usually they were forced to see each other at work but now that she didn't work there they didn't see each other apart from in school and she feared that's how it would always be. She didn't think Clay even wanted her around at school either, he was just being charitable to the girl with no friends.

Hannah stared at the books that were sat on her desk, staring at them blankly while pulling on her shoes. After Jessica's party Hannah felt like none of it really mattered anymore. School, life... The three people that were stopping her from making a quick decision were her parents and Clay, but she was slowly losing Clay as a reason because her doubts were overpowering reality.

Her phone buzzed on the bed beside her and she picked it up, looking at the message blankly before seeing the name. If anyone told her she smiled when she saw his name, she'd deny it, but her lips did indeed curl upwards when she saw those four letters in their perfect order.

**_Clay_ ** _: hey, do you want me to drop your cheque off today?_

Hannah sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She would go to her parents' shop first to see if they needed any help, then to the Crestmont to get her last pay cheque. She responded to Clay telling him not to worry and that she'd pick it up, she definitely wouldn't mind seeing him. 

Money was getting tighter and tighter, her parents were struggling, so she would give them the cheque if they were willing to accept it. Hannah wanted to help them and she felt like a burden on them whenever they had to buy her new things or whenever they gave her money. Her new car was a prime example of that, something her mom didn't agree to at the time.

She pushed herself up off of her bed and grabbed a jacket on the way out, pulling it on and not looking around the house twice before grabbing her keys and leaving. She had stopped driving to school because it would save money on fuel but her parents didn't need to know that was the reason she walked, they could continue thinking she liked the fresh air. Leaving early and walking in silence alone was the price she paid to help her parents with money. The time she spent walking was often filled with turning music up loud to drown out her thoughts and guilty conscience, it was both dangerous and calming to be able to think about all of these things on her way to school each day.

><

The tension was thick inside of the shop with her parents and Hannah's eyes were staring, somewhat pained, at the tapes on the shelf. Her parents would let her take whatever she wanted and even though she knew it was selfish considering their money struggles, she did. Apparently they didn't have to pay for it, but Hannah wasn't sure if she believed that completely. 

The tapes reminded her of Tony, she had always liked Tony. 

When the conversation with her parents continued a little too long, Hannah turned and walked around the shelves towards them. There was a simply solution to their present money problems and she was surprised they hadn't seen it yet, or maybe they just didn't want to see it.

"You can use my college savings," Hannah offered suddenly, bringing their conversation to a quick halt.

"Hannah," Olivia warned, while her father seemed more willing to listen.

"What?"

"If you have money problems I wanna help," she insisted, because the problems didn't just affect them but they affected her too. She couldn't just sit back when there was so much money saved just for her, she didn't need it and she just wanted her parents to stop being under all of this strain.

Andrew began walking towards her, an apologetic but curious look in his eye. "Hannah, these aren't your problems. These aren't your money problems, sweetheart, they're ours."

"Use it now and I can take out a loan, I can take a gap year!" Hannah wasn't listening to either of them, she just wanted to help. "Like, I'd be fine with that and plenty of kids do it."

"It's not the worst idea... my brother took a year off and he's a dentist now, he's got a great practise and it didn't hurt him," Andrew glanced back at his wife, almost hopeful but knowing better than to truly consider it. The look on Olivia's face said everything and he knew he was wrong for entertaining the idea.

"I cannot believe you're even considering this! No, we are not jeopardising our daughter's future!" Olivia shook her head firmly, walking behind the counter and opening up her bag.

Hannah sighed, hopelessly. "If it's my future, don't I get a say in it?"

"No. That money stays in the bank. I am going to go over and talk to him. I'm going to convince him to put us on a payment plan," the older woman also sounded slightly hopeless, but she was trying her best to be hopeful.

"We have no leverage!" Andrew joined his wife, stood beside her behind the counter.

"We have my fucking charm!"

Hannah couldn't help the smile that curled at her lips, her eyes glancing from her mom to her dad. Andrew had the same amusement in his eye, she had always been like her dad. Their smiles grew as they looked at each other. "Hard to resist," Hannah commented, and the tension broke. They laughed, Olivia included, and Andrew had to admire her spirit.

"Yeah, it's worth a try," Andrew shrugged. They didn't exactly have anything else they could try. He stood with the smile still on his lips and he knew right then that this problem couldn't break them. Of course it had put strain on the family, but he would never be able to stop loving the woman at his side and the girl in front of him.

Olivia sighed and the other two looked at her. "I was supposed to take the bank deposit in today, it's due this afternoon," she sighed and her stressed expression returned.

"I- I can do it, if you need it done today. I want to help," Hannah was quick to offer, and her father was quick to agree.

"That would actually be a big help, would you be okay with Hannah making the deposit?" Andrew asked.

"Yeah, I don't see why not," Olivia smiled and put on some lipstick, smiling at the two. "Do I look okay?" Of course, her husband told her she did, and she find this as amusing as they did. "Wish me luck," she kissed Andrew's cheek goodbye, careful not to smudge her lipstick. Her eyes turned to Hannah. "Love you."

"Love you too," Hannah watched her mother rush out of the room and let her eyes linger a moment before she looked at her dad. She took the bag with the money inside and walked towards the door. "Love you!" she called back over her shoulder.

"Bye!" was all she heard in return, but she knew her dad loved her and he didn't need to say it to remind her.

Her plans didn't change. She would go to the Crestmont and then make the deposit, her smile brightening just a little at the thought of seeing Clay in the booth at the Crestmont. She wondered if he'd be happy to see her too, but she doubted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really appreciate it, especially the comments thank you so much! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay looked at Hannah and saw an irreplaceable, beautiful, intelligent girl who didn't get the credit she deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience! I'm so sorry this took so long to update but things have been really busy! <3 I hope you enjoy it anyway, no matter how frustrating these two can be for not communicating omg! Ahaha

Hannah placed the bag of money and her hot chocolate on top of the car so that she had a free hand to search through her bag. Eventually the keys were in her hold and she unlocked the car doors easily, opening the door and retrieving the keys naturally from the lock. They were only in her hand for a moment before her phone dinged. She got it out of her bag to check it and the notification didn't mean anything, it was just a reminder she'd set a while ago, but she scanned over the words and reached blindly for her hot chocolate regardless. It was a meaningless notification so why she felt the need to study and read it so intently she wasn't sure, but she did anyway. Her attention was wrongly placed on something of such little importance that she completely forgot about the one thing she simply _had_ to remember.

The hot chocolate was in her grasp way before her hand even grazed over the bag of money given to her by her mom, and Hannah busied herself with safely putting her hot drink into a cup holder in the car. For some reason she didn't feel the need to do anything else, didn't feel the need to grab the precious bag on top of the car, and she simply sat down in the driver's seat where she remembered to message Clay about coming to retrieve her last pay cheque.

She was sat in the stationary car for a few more minutes, not driving off straight away, and that was partly the reason for how careless she had been. Her eyes were glued to the phone as she waited for a response from Clay, who she could forgive for being slow at replying considering he was working. Using your phone on the job wasn't the best idea, though Clay eventually found the time to do so and told Hannah he'd be waiting for her. Perhaps if she wasn't so interested in the dorky, cute guy at the movie theatre then she would have checked that she had the money before leaving. The excitement of seeing the boy again and the prospect of him asking her what he'd failed to do so during the week was overpowering and very distracting.

Without a second thought Hannah shut the car door, sipped her hot chocolate and began driving towards the Crestmont. She parked up outside, knowing she wouldn't be long, and her eyes were immediately drawn to the brunette working the booth outside. Such a rare, beautiful smile came to her lips as she saw him and it didn't cease as she walked towards the booth either. "Hey, Helmet," she greeted. "Long time no see," she teased with a somewhat playful tone considering they had spoken in person less than twenty-four hours ago.

Clay found the humour in her words and the beauty in her smile, his own smile small and not at all as stunning as hers. Though his opinion was arguably biased, Clay would argue that no one had a brighter smile than the one Hannah Baker was giving him right now. He wasn't giving such an overwhelming happiness back considering this was the last time they'd see each other where work was involved; it scared him that he wouldn't see her as much as he used to. They always _had_ to see each other at work but now they didn't _have_ to anymore. They would have to actively make plans. Clay wouldn't mind that if he wasn't such a socially awkward dork who couldn't talk to girls. He had Jeff, at least, so he wasn't completely hopeless. 

"Yeah," he replied dumbly to her joke, unsure how else to reply other than with a smile. "I could have just mailed it to you," he said regarding the cheque, pulling out the envelope he had waiting for her. This was an expected visit so he was prepared, no sooner sliding the envelope out under the glass of the booth than she'd arrived.

"I was going to the bank anyway," Hannah assured him as she reached forwards to take her last pay cheque from the Crestmont. She had a lot to thank the Crestmont for, but mainly just the amazing guy she met while working there. "And I wanted to come see you," she admitted as casually as possible. To Clay it sounded in his ears as the most smooth, casual tone _ever_ , but that didn't stop the warmth spreading across his chest.

"Why?" 

Clearly today was not the day that Clay Jensen was going to ask Hannah out on a date, it didn't sound like he wanted much conversation at all, so she just smiled easily back at him. The brunette didn't take his short question to heart because he wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, he probably didn't even realise she expected a more overwhelming response. "Oh, no reason. It smells like someone burned the popcorn last night," she changed the subject smoothly, glancing towards where the somewhat burnt smell was coming from.

Clay let out a breathy laugh and turned to look in the same direction as the girl was, nodding slowly. "Yeah, must have been the new girl."

"Wow, that was quick. They already found my replacement," Hannah pursed her lips in pretend-annoyance, because she couldn't exactly blame the Crestmont for employing someone else. 

"Well," Clay began with some thought behind his next words, and more truth than he wanted her to realise. "There's no replacement for Hannah Baker." It was the truth. Clay looked at Hannah and saw an irreplaceable, beautiful, intelligent girl who didn't get the credit she deserved. Could he tell her all of this? No. Well, he could, but it always sounded like half of a joke whenever the endearing words left his lips. Hannah seemed smiley about his words, regardless of if there was a small hint of sarcasm in his tone, so Clay was happy about that. Hurting Hannah like he feared he'd done at Jessica's party was the absolute last thing he wanted to do and he swore to himself that he'd never do it again. Since that night they hadn't talked about the kiss or mentioned their blossoming relationship to one another, but Clay would like to think one day he'd be able to ask Hannah out on a date and maybe on that same day Hannah would be able to say yes.

The boy's words left Hannah speechless, which wasn't too much of a rare sight. Her smile grew and she stared at Clay fondly, only for him to break the silence some more. "I should go, I've got toilets to plunge," he said with an unimpressed look on his face.

"Why don't you get the new girl to do it?"

"I lied... I am the new girl."

Hannah's head dropped a little as she smiled at the ground below her, laughing to herself. When she looked up she realised Clay was laughing too. The way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he properly laughed was something she adored, much like the way her whole face brightened just with her genuine smiles was something Clay shamelessly adored too. When the laughter quietly trailed off and left them in only smiles, Hannah waited patiently for Clay to retract his goodbye and ask her out, ask her _something_. Unfortunately, the teenage boy was oblivious to her expectant and hopeful gaze and she was greeted with only silence. That was, until, she nodded and took a slow step backwards. "Alright, well... see you soon?"

"Yeah," Clay responded firmly with a confidence and sureness Hannah could respect. "Yeah, see you soon," he promised and nodded his head awkwardly, stepping backwards in the booth himself to get ready to disappear inside and do the jobs he really hated doing without the girl there to make it less insufferable. She made everything less insufferable, even life. A sudden thought came to mind as the girl started to disappear slowly and he jumped back into action. "Oh, wait, uh-" he called out, her hope widening as she turned around with that bright smile once more. "I'm supposed to tell you to turn in your uniform."

Really? Was that really all Clay wanted to ask? Hannah didn't know how much longer she could wait for Clay to ask her out, or maybe he never would. It wasn't like she had any other friends to talk to about it or to reassure her that she wasn't chasing after someone who would never want her back. She didn't have friends, not like she used to. All she had was Clay Jensen so when she needed help on to topic of Clay Jensen, she really didn't have anyone to ask. All she had was her untrustworthy mind and deceiving thoughts. "Seriously?" she asked in slight disbelief. "They really want that back?" her question finished in a laugh because it was a little bit ridiculous, not that she was in the place to complain. What would she do with the outfit anyway?

"I know," Clay finished with a shrug and then turned around, this time disappearing for good back into the building. With Clay disappearing, Hannah's hope of him asking her out disappeared too. Maybe she really was blindly chasing someone that didn't want her back, despite the reassurances he gave her in Jessica's room that night he said he really wanted to be with her. If that was true then why wasn't he asking her out already?

As she stared down at the cheque in her hands something very, very worrying came to mind.

"Oh shit."

><

"I thought you were more responsible than this! We trusted you!" Olivia cried as she exasperatedly through her arm up in a dramatised gesture. 

"Honey, honey, it's fine. It's just a few hundred dollars, we-"

"Seven hundred and forty-three dollars," the older woman cut her husband off, despite his attempts being to calm her down. How was she supposed to calm down? Her eyes were watering, though not as much as her daughter's, and she couldn't even bear to look at the girl right now. They had just lost what would be one of their last attempts at dragging their business back up from the ground. They could barely afford the house they were living in let alone the business they were running and their daughter had just lost the money that could have bought them some more time to figure all of this out. 

Hannah was only trying to help when she offered to take the money that morning but, as always, she messed it up. She lost the money and added to the looming stress her parents were feeling, making the weight over her head increase and the guilt rise in her chest. "You can have my last cheque from the Crestmont, okay?" she pulled her sleeve over her hand, raising her voice to be heard over her parents' also raised voices. With the sleeve pulled down over her hand she wiped her eyes with the sleeve. "I have two hundred dollars in the bank, I can start babysitting on the weekends," she listed, voice breaking towards the end at the pathetic attempts are ending this argument. She couldn't handle more arguments and losing two thirds of the reason she was still here. Clay hadn't given up on her yet, but it felt like her parents were. Their lives would be so much easier if she wasn't here to mess it all up.

"Hannah," Olivia said to quieten her daughter down, closing her eyes to compose herself. "It's fine," she stated firmly, turning around and leaning forwards on the counter. She felt completely defeated and no matter how much she loved her daughter, she just couldn't bare to look at her due to her own guilt for not being able to provide enough for this family, no doubt her husband felt it too.

With those last words and both of her parents turning away to continue doing what they were doing in the kitchen, Hannah dejectedly walked down the hallway towards her room. As soon as her back was turned to them, her mind started swimming. It was a dangerous thing to have her mind swarmed with thoughts because not a single thought was positive. Everything that crossed her mind was negative, not in the slightest bit wishful thinking and, eventually, it turned to feeling like nothing.

Empty.

If she wasn't here then Alex and Jessica might not have broken up. If she wasn't here then Jessica wouldn't blame her for something that didn't even happen. If she wasn't here then the curly haired brunette might have a better friend that would have stopped that awful event from taking place at her party. If she wasn't here then she never would've lost her parents' money and they wouldn't be so stressed. They could use her savings without feeling guilty and they could have a life without one more person to support. 

Everyone would be so... _happy_.

It was never that simple and in her vulnerable, guilty state she was somewhat deluded. While laying in bed, blankly staring at the ceiling above her, everything fell into place. It was here that she asked herself the question that she couldn't find an answer to, who would miss her? Who would _actually_ miss her?

><

Clay Jensen.

Clay Jensen was sat in his room slaving over another piece of last minute homework that he should have completed weeks ago. It was a big assignment, one that would keep him busy late into the night and all spare moments of his day tomorrow too. His mind kept flickering back to that wonderful, beautiful visitor he had at work today but nothing good came out of a flickering mind. His eyes were flickering too, constantly glancing towards the phone beside his school book as though it might light up with some sort of distraction from the boring school stuff he was doing. It didn't light up, much to his disappointment, and he was left doing the project he wished he'd started earlier.

There was a party happening tonight at Bryce's, one that Clay would rather not attend. The only times that Clay attended parties was when he lost a bet or if a friend forced him to. Jeff was usually the one doing the betting and the forcing, but Clay owed him a lot for it so he couldn't complain about the guy. Jeff was a really good person.

When it got a little later he reached for his phone to do some harmless looking on social media at who was at the party. Of course he wasn't looking for anyone in particular, definitely not, but if a certain brunette happened to catch his eye he definitely wouldn't be so pleased to see her there. The last time he was with Hannah Baker at a party she didn't look so good by the end of the night, whether that from alcohol or something completely different. Clay would be worried to see her there to say the least but luckily she didn't pop up in the photos or the videos, not as far as he could tell.

Knowing she was more than likely at home right now, Clay hovered over her name wondering if it would be completely ridiculous to message her. Or, better yet, call her. Would that be completely outrageous? Maybe. It was getting pretty late...

It could wait until morning. Clay could message her in the morning.

The teenage boy made the vital, most significant mistake by believing that  _not_ doing something was harmless when in actually fact _not_ doing something could have the same, sometimes negative, effects as if something was done. The butterfly effect could be cruel, especially when in the reverse of being triggered by something not happening rather than something happening. Clay wasn't to know, he couldn't have possibly known, so he innocently settled down in the comfort of his bed and went to sleep.

That was the worst night of Hannah Baker's life, following on from what was the worst day of her life too. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if she was asked on the date she longed to be asked on, or if she received the phone call she didn't even know had been a possibility, but there was no point in thinking about the 'maybe's now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, your comments mean so much to me and make me want to keep writing because I know people are reading, thank you! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clay was just being Clay, and Clay was someone Hannah always felt happiest around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for taking so long, after this week I'm going to be posting a lot more updates with a lot less gaps in between, I've just been finishing my exams so I haven't had the time! Thank you all for understanding! I hope you enjoy!

Her whole world seemed to come to a stand still. Hair and body wet with cold, unforgiving droplets of water, Hannah felt a shiver run down her spine. She'd never felt so numb to the weather before. The biting cold of the night was attacking her skin, though she couldn't feel much of it at all.

The freezing air was a lot colder than the water of Bryce Walker's hot tub, but she'd rather freeze to death than go back into that water. Her whole body was aching, she felt so very and utterly _wrong_ , and the only movements she was making were small, shuffled steps down the street. She was just trying to get away from the house she'd unfortunately been drawn to only an hour or so ago. The shuffled steps came to a stop when she couldn't find the will to continue, eyes staring blankly down at the floor some ways ahead of her.

Blindly, her hand reached into her pocket and retrieved her phone, which was as quiet and inactive as the coolness of the night. With a shaky hand, she brought the phone into her train of vision and stared at it, rather than the pavement her eyes were focused on before. Her eyes found the large digits that displayed the time and, well, it didn't ease her mind at all. It was late into the night no matter how garish and deceitful the street lamps were and it proved to be another painful reminder that nobody cared. The two people that were supposed to care about her more than anything, her parents, hadn't even called to see where she was. Then again, they never did. It was one teenager's dream to have such lenient parents, but Hannah wished they showed more interest in her whereabouts.

She wasn't sure why she got her phone out in the first place, or why she was now staring at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world, but her thumb found a couple of buttons that led to one particular destination on the small, technological device.

Clay.

Maybe calling Clay wasn't the wisest decision; Hannah was only really doing it to prove to herself that he wouldn't care enough to pick up. She assumed he'd be asleep and uncaring enough to leave the phone until it stopped ringing, or maybe he'd wake to the sound and only get annoyed by her late night call. Either way, Hannah wasn't thinking much about his reaction, and she listened to each taunting ring that resonated out of the device.

If _she_ hung up then it wouldn't be proving the point she was trying to make to herself, she was trying to prove to herself that there was no point in second chances. When she cut her hair she thought it would signify a new Hannah, a new life and a new beginning, but all it did was cause the beginning of the end. The two most awful, indescribable things that could have possible happened had both taken place within the last two weeks and Hannah wasn't sure if this second event was something she could live with, not alone at least. Clay was the last person who made her feel the smallest bit of hope that she wasn't alone because he looked at her like she actually _meant_ something, but that might just be her eyes tricking her to see what she wanted to see. If he didn't answer then that would be true, she was kidding herself with false hope that someone as true and kind as Clay would actually like her, whereas if he did answer then maybe everything was not lost after all.

It got to the point that she didn't think he was going to pick up and a part of her hoped he didn't. If he didn't pick up then it meant her assumptions were true, she was well and truly alone. Maybe that would be easier to deal with. Being alone would just give her a clearer idea of what to do next. Unfortunately, or maybe _fortunately_ , that didn't happen.

"Hannah?"

"Clay," her response was more of a statement than a greeting or a question. If she spoke any more then she risked losing her composure so the blank utter of his name would have to do for now.

"Yeah, Hannah-" there was a long, almost unbearable, pause. "Hannah, what's up?"

There was no humour in Clay's concerned tone, only a voice thick with sleep and laced with an obvious confusion. After only just being woken up from a deep slumber, he could hardly be expected to hide such prominent emotions such as confusion, and the openness was actually slightly comforting to Hannah who was used to hearing nothing but fake, fake, _fake_. Clay had the most open and real tone she'd heard for a long time, he wasn't holding back his emotions or suppressing his voice to give little to nothing away. Clay was just being Clay, and Clay was someone Hannah always felt happiest around.

"Hannah?" his voice sounded again, and then once more. "Are you there?"

The girl wasn't sure how big the pause between him speaking and her was, but it was clearly big enough to encourage Clay to press her with questions. It was a possibility that her pauses weren't big at all, maybe Clay just wanted to get rid of her so that he could go back to sleep, but Hannah was trying not to let her thoughts run away with her.

His voice was starting to sound less and less sleepy and more concerned and urgent, so Hannah put the poor boy out of his misery. "I-" she couldn't get so much as one syllable past her throat, every unsaid word just dying away on her lips. It was enough to show Clay she was there so he didn't hang up, but it didn't give him the answers to the questions he was asking himself. In hopes she'd elaborate and continue her thought, Clay remained silent and patient. "I went to Bryce's party," she eventually stated, and telling the truth was easier than lying. Hannah didn't have the mental capacity to lie. She wanted to lie about why she called and play it off as an accident but all she could do was let the truth spill from her lips even if the details were blurry, even for her. She didn't say more than she could afford to but just the sound of her voice cracking and the hollowness of it alarmed Clay a great deal.

Clay was still confused but he could imagine the fact she went to the party wasn't a good idea. It made him wonder what happened to the girl at the Crestmont that told him 'with the new haircut came a new Hannah, a Hannah that didn't go to parties'.

Why would she go if she was going to spiral into the same state she was in at Jessica's party?

"You did?" Clay asked to hopefully prompt her to continue, Hannah hearing the movements of the boy through the phone. She wasn't sure what she heard but she managed to focused on the movements of sheets and clothing none the less, even if it didn't occur to her at the time that Clay was getting dressed. "You still at Bryce's?" he asked, when he didn't receive an answer to his previous question.

"Not exactly," Hannah breathed, taking another shuffled step forwards before getting stuck in place once more. Her breath hitched in her throat and she found it getting increasingly harder to suck the air into her lungs. Apparently the noises on her end of the line were obvious to Clay too, it wasn't just her that could hear every movement he made but he could hear every breath that passed her lips, especially the struggled ones. Hannah found it increasingly alarming that she didn't care for her inability to breathe, she actually longed for it.

"Alright, I can come and get you... if you want?" Clay made the offer without needing the answer, he was already making his way as silently as possible down the stairs. There was no way he was leaving Hannah in any sort of state when she'd clearly called in a cry for help, even if she didn't realise it yet.

Clay couldn't help but remember how different she acted when she was at Jessica's party, her inability to walk without some form of support had been alarming, and it instilled him with purpose to find her. If Hannah ever needed someone to save her, or someone to hug her like he had that day he walked her home from school, then he'd always be there. The thought of her beautiful, blue eyes glistening with tears caused his heart to clench and rise up into his throat. She didn't deserve tears unless they were tears of happiness and Clay wanted to make it his purpose to ensure that remained true and possible.

There was another long, painful silence as Hannah thought about Clay's offer. "No," she said distantly, eyes down on the pavement once again. "No, I mean, no I'm not at Bryce's," she backtracked, because she didn't necessarily _not_ want Clay to come and find her, even if she very much doubted she was worth leaving the warmth of his bed in the middle of the night for.

Her doubts couldn't have been more wrong and Clay would have jumped on his bike regardless of whether she told him to or not. It wasn't the best idea to ride a bike while on the phone but Clay wasn't exactly trying to have the best ideas right now, he was just trying to find the girl that had called him with an alarmingly distant sounding voice.

"Are you at home?" Clay asked while Hannah glanced around at the street she had made hardly made any progress in walking down since she escaped the party. She was still on Bryce's road and though she wished she could get as far away as possible, her feet weren't cooperating.

"No."

That was all Clay needed to know, piecing together every small, fragmented piece of information to form an idea as to where Hannah was. She wasn't 'exactly' at Bryce's and she wasn't at home, she was somewhere in between. Clay would go to Bryce's first, just in case she was around that area, and he'd keep looking after that if he didn't find her straight away. "Alright," the boy replied slowly, trying to think of something to fill the silence. Hannah heard sounds on Clay's end of the line but she chose to ignore them as she shuffled down the street some more, her free arm wrapping around her body to give herself some warmth. Even if she wasn't paying attention to the biting cold, it didn't mean her body didn't feel it. Hannah wasn't in any rush to get home because she knew her parents weren't looking for her.

The boy thought it best not to ask if she had a good time, by the tone in her voice he could tell she most certainly didn't have a good time. "I burnt the popcorn again," he told her, wondering if something as small as that might give her a reason to smile. If not, it would at least distract her for a moment. "I always knew I wouldn't be able to cope without you," he chuckled, going at a medium speed on his bike so he didn't fall off but also so he got to Bryce's at a good enough speed. It would take him a while but Hannah didn't sound like she was moving very fast, if at all.

Clay didn't reach Bryce's before he saw the girl he was looking for, who he'd tried to keep on the phone with talking about mindless and useless things. She was stood right there, motionless and a long way down the street. Instead of riding over, Clay got off of his bike and started to push it towards the girl. His helmet was still on his head and even with Hannah's distance, he could see how her shoulders were slumped and her body was shaking from the cold. The walk to catch up to the shuffling girl was less than a few minutes because of how quickly he was trying to catch up to her, the phone line still connected but they had resorted to a long silence instead. Hannah hadn't humoured him with much conversation and Clay ran out of things to say pretty quickly. She was distracted by distant thoughts of her emptiness and he was distracted by searching for the girl while trying not to fall off of his bike. Clay was successful in both of those things, and he didn't hang up the phone even when he was a mere metre in front of her.

"Hannah?"

Hannah was confused at first. She heard the voice through the phone but she could have sworn she heard it in front of her too, so her head lazily lifted along with her tired eyes. They landed on the boy she thought would only exist on the other end of the silent phone call but here he was, in the flesh. She didn't bother replying and her hair and body was still damp, the water from her skin having seeped into her clothes. The water was catching the cool particles of air, making her whole body shake, and the odd tear that escaped her watering eyes wasn't helping her look happy. Not that Hannah would have even bothered acting happy, anyone could have seen she was anything but _happy_.

As soon as a singular tear rolled down the girl's cheek, it caused the boy to jump into motion. He clumsily dropped his bike to the floor, almost tripping over it on his way to reach the girl that was still hopelessly holding her phone to her ear, even if she was doing it lazily. He slipped his own phone into his pocket after hanging up, gently reaching to pluck her phone from her hand too. Once both of the devices were safely tucked away in his pocket, his eyes looked back at the girl to take in the sight before him. His hesitation to touch her and hold her was obvious. He only watched as her arms both fell to her sides and a single sob shook her shoulders harshly. The sound erupted from her lips at that exact moment too, and that sound was enough to make Clay unable to leave her stood there alone any longer.

His hands were shaking but not from cold like the girl before him; they were shaking from nerves and unsureness. He lifted them up regardless of the shakiness, placing one on either one of her shoulders to test the waters and see if she'd shove him away or quite the opposite. She just stood there, almost motionless besides shaking from the cold, so Clay took that as invitation to continue. He gently pulled her closer to him until he managed to wrap his arms protectively and comfortingly around her shoulders. The hug was reciprocated almost immediately, her arms desperately clinging onto him with all of the life left in her after her soul was ripped away by the star football player of the school.

Soon enough her tears were not just escaping every so often, they were falling freely down her cheeks. She wouldn't have been human if she didn't accept the warmth Clay was radiating in that hoodie she loved so much, the one that was soft and warm. Finally having someone there to hold her and comfort her, someone who cared enough to search for her in the middle of the night against her wishes, gave her the right to cry. She could cry to Clay and he would hold her, no matter how little he knew of what to do to help. Hannah could tell he didn't know what to say or do, but everything he was doing right now was perfect.

He just needed to hold her, that's all, and she'd hold him right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoy, it broke my heart to have this happen but Hannah isn't alone like before and things will hopefully take a turn for the better because she isn't alone! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One thing was for sure, Clay held her so much more gently and carefully than the damned basketball player from the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Sorry for the wait. c:

"I'll take you home."

"No," Hannah responded quickly, unsure why it sparked such a negative reaction to the simple offer. She didn't want to go home, that was the last thing she wanted.

Hannah's urgency caused Clay to tense and he pulled away from the desperate hug just enough to be able to see the beautiful girl's face. "Okay," he nodded. "Okay, that's okay," he decided, his hand moving to run down the girl's arm comfortingly. As soon as his hand touched her bare skin he flinched away lightly, the coldness being very alarming. "Hannah, you're freezing," he breathed as he frantically removed his hoodie and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders.

All awkwardness he may have felt with forcing his hoodie around the girl in any other situation was completely gone. He didn't feel awkward about anything in their current situation because he was too focused on keeping the girl happy and calm to feel to social awkwardness that usually followed him around. For once he wasn't incredibly nervous at the simple idea of talking to Hannah Baker, he was just unbelievably nervous about saying the wrong thing like he feared he did at Jessica's party.

It didn't take long for Hannah to accept the warmth of the hoodie and she was in no position to deny herself the warmth. She grabbed the fabric of the hoodie to pull it around herself tighter, hoping to trap some form of heat between herself and the soft material. She would much rather have her arms around Clay and his arms around her but she didn't feel like _asking_ for a hug. After taking his hoodie off he had taken a step back, a step she instinctively matched forwards to close the space between them. The action went unnoticed by the boy, despite the close attention he was paying to her face and her eyes.

Those beautifully blue eyes held so many emotions that Clay wanted to make sense of, he just didn't want to make her uneasy with too much of the intense staring.

"Are you okay to uh- to come back with me?" the boy stuttered over his words uncontrollably because he had no idea if this was remotely the right thing to do. Clay wanted to do what was best for Hannah and he had no idea where to take her if not to his own home. She didn't want to go to her own house and that was a request he would try his best to agree to, but his parents might not be thrilled about him having a girl sleep over without them knowing. He could explain the situation but highly doubted his mother would be satisfied with any kind of excuse.

Any sort of berating and reprimanding was worth Hannah's comfort and safety, he just didn't want the girl to witness anything and get uncomfortable and feel guilty. By the looks of things the last thing she needed was to feel guilty or anything of the kind right now. Clay wasn't sure what the matter was or what she was thinking, he'd never been the best at understanding girls, but he was trying his best to comfort her no matter what.

After an affirmative nod, Clay rushed to pick up his bike from the floor. He was terrified to take his eyes off of the girl for even just a second but he also knew it was impossible not to. He was worried he'd look back and she'd be gone, but luckily after stumbling over the wheel of his bike and hastily picking it up to push over to her, she was still there. Hannah hadn't moved much at all other than to slide her arms down into the sleeves of the hoodie, which was a good thing because it was keeping her warm. Hannah's well-being was of the utmost importance, now and always to Clay, so he internally promised himself he wouldn't leave her side unless she really wanted him to. Hannah had been very quiet on the phone and since he arrived so he doubted they would have a repeat of Jessica's party; he definitely didn't think she'd be yelling at him to leave again, she was more so accepting all of his efforts right now.

Clay wheeled the bike over to her and made sure that it wasn't between them, he wanted to be in the middle of Hannah and the bike because he needed her as close as possible for his own peace of mind. Hannah was glad with the arrangement too but she didn't start to walk immediately. In fact, she might not have began walking at all if it wasn't for the boy reaching out for her arm. Hannah had her arms crossed tightly over her chest and her shoulders slumped bashfully but it didn't take much for Clay to find one of her hands in the crossing of her arms.

They began at a slow pace with Hannah trailing a step or two behind but as soon as Clay intertwined their fingers the girl fell into a steady pace beside him. They were comfortable to walk in the heavy silence so neither spoke and neither mentioned the fact they were holding hands or the state he found Hannah in. Her makeup was smudged under her eyes, her curls were damp and she was absolutely freezing. Clay could only come to the conclusion she had been in the hot tub or the pool at Bryce's but it didn't explain why she didn't dry off or why she was walking with such a blank, alarming expression. Clay was too worried for his own good but who could blame him?

"I don't live too far from here," Clay said softly, his voice very quiet so it didn't make a large contrast to the otherwise silent night. Luckily, it didn't startle Hannah with how careful and thoughtful he was about the tone and volume of his voice.

Her reply was nothing but a short nod and the increase of her pace. Their snail-like pace hadn't been increased too much but any increase in speed ensured they would arrive in less time so Clay matched the girl's speed. He had one hand on the middle of his handlebars to guide his bike and the other hadn't left Hannah's the entire walk home. If he could, he'd love to hold onto it a lot more.

Soon enough they arrived at his house, which was quiet just like every other house at this time of night. Clay propped his bike up before fully getting to the door and looking at the girl to his left. "Are you, uh... sure?" he asked quietly, his voice suddenly a whisper because the last thing he wanted was to be caught by his parents. It was fine for them to see him in he morning but he really didn't want to deal with them right now. He was exhausted from the disturbance from his sleep and he could imagine Hannah was just as exhausted. They needed to go upstairs uninterrupted and get some rest. Clay may sleep on the sofa downstairs if Hannah preferred it, but not until sure she was okay at least.

The brunette clearly found it necessary to ask before he opened the door and Hannah didn't mind giving an affirmative nod, just like she had done before. It was her last chance, so to speak, to say she wanted to go home but she didn't. Hannah didn't want to go to a practically empty house, she wanted to stay in Clay's company until she didn't feel as empty anymore. At least his caring nature and presence was making her feeling _something_ , even if that something wasn't curing her of her detachment completely.

The two teens stepped inside the house quietly and Hannah closed her hand into a fist around the end of the sleeve of Clay's hoodie that she was wearing, while her other hand also tightened its grip on the boy's. It was strange to be in Clay Jensen's home but she wasn't complaining, she couldn't think of anywhere she'd rather be. Her eyes scanned over the picture frames and the perfect family that was displayed through a clean house and a personalised touch through photos. Hannah knew better than to be fooled by such ornaments and decorations because happy photos didn't necessarily mean there was a happy household. She must have been staring and looking around the room for far too long because she felt her arm being tugged in encouragement to start walking again and the action was soon followed by a voice.

"Come on," Clay whispered softly, squeezing Hannah's hand lightly and trying to tug her towards the stairs. She was intently staring at all of the things in his house that she could see and didn't make any attempt at stopping even after he tried to hurrying her. Instead, she finished looking blankly at the items until there wasn't anything left to study and then took meaningless steps towards the stairs of the house. His arm managed to tug her enough to coerce her up the stairs and into his bedroom, somewhere Hannah had never thought she'd actually end up. Clay Jensen was way too good for her, or at least that's what she thought, so she didn't think he'd ever ask her up to his room. Considering the circumstances, she was unable to get as excited as she might have liked to had this been a normal encounter but it wasn't. She felt her heart jump with a slight excitement but nothing too eccentric, it was just enough for her to feel alive again. Her curious eyes didn't cease to be amazed by all that was in Clay's bedroom. She looked at his desk, his bed and anything else she could feast her eyes upon. Really, anything to distract her was welcomed and Clay's voice was definitely her most preferred distraction.

By the time the boy spoke again, he had some clothes in his free hand. He hadn't let go of Hannah's hand yet and didn't plan to, at least not while she was holding it so tightly. It was clear the girl didn't realise how crippling her grip was but Clay wasn't going to complain because she probably needed a hand to hold right now, and he was more than happy for that hand to be his. "You can wear this," he told her, not phrasing it as a question because he didn't think she'd give much of an answer. The girl was barely focusing or talking so he had to stop asking questions.

As expected, Hannah didn't say much. She took the clothes with her free hand, which were big enough to be baggy on her, despite Clay's thin frame, but didn't make an attempt to change. Clay put his hand on top of hers, now holding her hand in both of his. "It's okay," he whispered. "I can, uh, I can turn around?" he offered. "Or go? I can go out."

"No," she said quickly, in a similar manner to when Clay said he would take her home. She didn't want to go home and she definitely didn't want to be alone, not yet. Eventually she would be alone to think about what happened, or at least think more than she already was, but for now she could be distracted and pretend it wasn't haunting her every thought.

Clay, again like before, nodded. He let go of her hand and turned around so that she could change and she did. After taking the cold, wet clothes off of her shaking frame and replacing them with warm, soft clothes that Clay had supplied she had already stopped trembling as much. She wasn't trembling from the cold anymore, she was just trembling from the events of the night and how strange she felt inside.

When finished, the girl walked over to Clay and awkwardly hovered behind him. It didn't take long for him to glance backwards and see the girl, still clutching his hoodie around her. If she wanted to he'd let her keep it, she looked better in it than he ever could. The boy turned around to face her and placed a hand on her arm that gave her comfort and guided her to the bed. He didn't make any mention of sleeping in there with her or leaving, he really wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He would do whatever Hannah wanted because she was what mattered, not him.

Soon enough the girl was safely laying beneath the covers of Clay's bed and she had moved herself up against the wall, not wanting to take up too much room. The small action was enough to indicate to anyone paying attention that she wanted him to lay with her but Clay was as oblivious as always.

Still in his jeans and his t-shirt, the brunette turned to changed. He didn't get far. Almost as soon as his hand left the quilt that was covering Hannah, a hand grasped it. It startled him at first but after a quick glance he saw exactly who had gripped his hand and why. Hannah's big blue eyes were boring into his with an intensity that was hard to miss. No matter how oblivious Clay could be, he wasn't oblivious right now. "Stay?" she asked quietly.

"Okay," Clay whispered, only letting go of Hannah's hand to turn the bedroom light off. As soon as the room was engulfed in darkness he heard the sounds of sniffling, clearly the tears had finally been too much to hold onto, but without drawing attention to the crying girl in his bed he just blindly walked over and slid into the bed beside her. He didn't ask her why she was crying because she'd tell him when or _if_ she was ready. "Goodnight," he said quietly, hesitantly shifting towards the other body in the bed. The two of them were close but not as close as Clay wished he had the confidence to initiate. Instead, he let her take the lead on whatever was to happen. Their problem was that Hannah wanted him to take risks and Clay was too scared he'd lose her to take them. Eventually one of them would have to change that and it was slowly becoming Clay as his confidence built. The boy had his best friend, Jeff, to coach him on girls... well, _girl_. Jeff Atkins was teaching him in the world of girls so that he could apply it to Hannah Baker, and in his head right now he could imagine Jeff telling him to suck it up and put his arm around her. If he was rejected it wasn't the end of the world, and if he wasn't it was the start of something deeper than they had right now.

With his friend's voice in his head giving him useful advice, Clay wrapped an arm around Hannah and gently pulled her in closer so that they could occupy the middle of the bed together. She didn't pull away or get anymore upset, she actually cuddled up closer into his chest. She closed her eyes and finally stopped clutching at the sleeves of the hoodie to hold onto Clay's t-shirt instead. It was a soft material that she easily curled closely into, holding it in her somewhat tight grip. "Goodnight," she said quietly, her eyes closed to stop anymore tears from escaping but the shaking of her body didn't cease.

Neither of the teens got much sleep at all. Hannah was too haunted by the prior events of the night and Clay was too worried about her to sleep. One thing was for sure, Clay held her so much more gently and carefully than the damned football player from the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Thank you for all of the comments! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and ideas, I love reading them so much and I'll always consider ideas that people have!

The morning sun rudely awakened the two teens inside of the small bed, which was almost too small to be occupied by the two of them. It was safe to say that Clay Jensen hadn't expected to have the one and only Hannah Baker in his bedroom, let alone in his bed. It was big enough for him and that was all it originally needed to be, but somehow being in the centre of the bed made it a very comfortable size. Clay definitely wouldn't be preventing more moments like these, especially when Hannah was in such a state as last night. It was definitely going to be a challenge to explain to his parents that he went out and brought a girl home, they barely knew about Hannah apart from the mention of the meal at her house, but it would be practically impossible to sneak her out.

Clay didn't want Hannah to be a secret to his parents because he wasn't at all ashamed of their friendship, not in the slightest. The reason he hadn't mentioned her much was because he wasn't close with his mom or dad and they didn't exactly ask. Clay didn't want to talk about something that could become nothing. Hannah would never be nothing to him but he could never be certain if their friendship would become more, it was impossible with how long it took his own confidence to build up.

"Clay?"

The boy's thoughts were thankfully interrupted and distracted from the worry of his parents' reactions by the sweet voice he wished he could hear every morning. Granted, neither teen had the pleasure of sleeping all that much through the night but both of them were awoken from their eventual sleep. Hannah's reason for waking wasn't the brightness of the sun through the curtains because she had been too buried into Clay's chest to see it, but she did feel the dreadful memory of the night before coming back to haunt her.

"Are you awake?" she asked quietly, afraid to pull away enough to even look at him. The subtle shift of his body informed that he was indeed awake though Hannah was in no rush to leave the safety of the boy's arms yet.

"Yeah," Clay responded calmly, subconsciously tightening his hold on Hannah a little because he definitely didn't want to get up yet. Facing the world definitely wasn't something either of them wanted to do though maybe for different reasons. Clay didn't want to face his parents and their questions over having a girl in his bedroom and Hannah didn't want to face the football player that stole something from her. Hannah had her happiness stolen from her too, not only the obvious thing that she could never get back. At least happiness could be restored, even if it felt like she would never be herself again when she was walking around the streets alone. Clay saved her back then and he was saving her from the memory of the party right now too. In Clay's arms she felt safe, even if he wasn't the strongest of boys she'd ever seen. Clay may not have been on the basketball team with strong arms and a tall frame, but he was everything Hannah needed to feel at ease, comfortable and safe.

Neither removed themselves from the embrace because even facing each other might be too awkward right now. Clay had taken some very big steps in pursuing Hannah these past few weeks, and just being close to her was a big step considering how bad he was with girls.

As much as the boy wanted to stay like this forever, he believed it was time to face the real world and get up. It was Sunday so his parents wouldn't be working and it was inevitable that they would have to see Hannah at some point, the last thing Clay was going to do was sneak the girl down the stairs as if he didn't want to introduce her to his parents. He pulled back and gently tucked some of her hair behind her ear so that he could see her beautiful, blue eyes. Of course the moment didn't last long because he realised what he was doing and panicked that Hannah wouldn't be okay with it. She seemed completely fine, but how was he supposed to know? Clay knew he didn't read girls very well, especially Hannah Baker. The events at Jessica's party proved that he had no idea how to see her feeling from her actions or her expressions. One minute they had been kissing and the next she was crying and yelling at him to leave, both of which were confusing when isolated, let alone when combined.

Clay slowly began to remove himself from the embrace that they were sharing, moving backwards on the bed to the point it was dangerous he may tip over the edge. All prior thoughts of the bed being just big enough were replaced with ones of it being way too small to put the distance between them that might be required. The boy didn't want this distance but he wasn't doing what he wanted, he was doing what he thought Hannah might want. Getting up seemed too regretful and he definitely didn't regret holding Hannah all night but he didn't want to remain as close in case she wanted some space.

With hesitant and gentle arms still around the beautiful brunette in his bed, despite the distance he had just created, Clay studied the girl's expression for any immediate signs of discomfort or sadness. Hannah had been deprived the warmth of Clay's chest as he pulled back from her, leaving her with only his hoodie and clothes that were temporarily hers. She closed her fists around the fabric of the hoodie and clutched it around herself, afraid he would take it from her much like he took away the pleasant and safe closeness. However, Hannah understood why he was keeping a sensible distance and she appreciated being free to move if she wanted to more than he could ever know. The last thing Hannah wanted to feel like was trapped and that was the last way that Clay made her feel, he just held her gentle enough to feel cared for and firm enough to feel safe. He might not think he knew what he was doing, but everything thus far had been perfect - for Hannah, at least.

"Do, uh, do you want to-" Clay began a question he knew was wrong to ask and, though wrong, it was actually somewhat necessary. "Do you want to talk about last night?" he whispered.

The privacy of their conversation was amplified with their whispers and it was definitely a private conversation to have. Of course Hannah didn't  _want_  to talk about what happened, that was the opposite of what she wanted, but what she might  _want_  and  _need_  were two completely different things. If there was one person in this world that she could confide in and tell what happened then it would more than likely be Clay, considering he was Hannah's only friend right now, but that didn't mean she'd even tell him. She could see the slight awkwardness of the boy that was unsure and lost in the bed opposite her so she put him out of his misery and began to rise from the mattress.

It was obvious that they weren't going to be able to be comfortable with each other in an intimate position for a while because of how unsure Clay was. She could imagine her suddenly watery eyes were contributing to his worry and hesitation, though it was hard for her to stop them from filling up at even the thought of reliving what happened the night before. There were always thoughts of whether or not she could have done more, said more or maybe done  _less_. Perhaps it was her fault after all and who would believe her over the star football player and 'all loved', popular guy of Liberty High?

Many of her current thoughts were irrational but to her they were completely fair. There was no other way to feel in her current situation.

Clay began to move at the same time as Hannah, pushing himself up to be sitting on the bed rather than laying down. He removed the covers off of him and they automatically slipped from Hannah's shaking form too. In their moves to sit up, his arms and hands had completely left the girl to remove the blankets and her shaking worsened as a result.

"Please... Hannah," he whispered, shifting a little bit closer but feeling like his pleading would be wrongly perceived as forceful and demanding. He wanted her to tell him because he had never been so worried about someone before, especially after the way he found her in the streets alone, but the last method he wanted to use to get the information he needed was force. She could tell him when or if she was comfortable, though Clay would press just a little to begin with so that he had a better chance.

The beg worked a little on the girl because she contemplated telling him while she subconsciously shifted closer to the boy. She needed some form of contact with him so that she could stop shaking because the more she could feel herself shaking, the more panicked she became.

Beyond all other events like these and unsaid hints that Hannah had obviously given to Clay over their time being friends, the boy  _finally_  understood one of the thoughts inside her head. The way she shifted into him was unmissable and gave him the confidence and confirmation he needed to be able to hold her. She hadn't been sitting up to get away from him, which had been his first thought/fear, she had merely shifted for a reason unbeknown to him. At least it hadn't been for a negative reason and Clay could comfortably move to sit beside her and wrap a gentle arm around her shoulders. "It's okay," he whispered encouragingly while he felt her rest her head on his shoulder. He could feel her curls against his shoulder and the strands of her short hair tickling his neck.

Things definitely weren't okay right now, not for Hannah and not even for Clay, but she understood what he meant. He meant that it was okay for her to tell him whatever it was that had her eyes watering at the thought and her body shaking over eight hours later.

"Someone-" she inhaled sharply and had to stop herself from speaking because of how strained her voice sounded. "I- I mean-" there was another pause that followed her stuttered speech, a trait not at all associated with Hannah Baker in the slightest. It was completely expected to see her slightly shaken by what happened the night before but Clay still didn't know what happened, so he waited. "Bryce," she finally said something that made sense, even if it was just a name. "We-" she couldn't say it. She couldn't tell him. The arm that was gently holding her was giving her a false sense of security. "I- I didn't-"

"It's okay," Clay insisted when there was a longer pause than the others because he felt the need to somewhat encourage her confession. "It's okay," he repeated quietly, gently rubbing the girl's arm where it was resting. All of this was new territory but it felt as natural as humanly possible.

"He did...  _things_ , we- we did  _things_ ," she brought a hand up to furiously wipe the tears from her cheeks. The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Clay because it was different than the night before, there wasn't as much darkness to hide her tears. "We- we-"

It just didn't seem right because  _they_ didn't. Hannah Baker and Bryce Walker didn't do anything together, not in the slightest. The star football player of Liberty High did something, something unimaginable, but Hannah had done nothing at all. The girl had thoughts running through her head of what happened and how it happened. Perhaps if she hadn't gotten into the hot tub in the first place then things would be different, maybe if she hadn't left her house for a walk that day she wouldn't have ended up at that damned party and maybe if she believed Clay when he said he wasn't going then she wouldn't have been drawn to that particular location either.

Clay didn't need anymore explanation, he had a pretty good idea of what happened the night before. He could feel his blood run cold at the idea of Hannah regretting such a big moment in her life, but an even bigger change in his body language happened when another thought came to mind. "Did you want to do it?" he wondered aloud before he had enough time to think about his words. Despite not thinking about what his words before he spoke them, he still remained as calm and encouraging as possible with all of the thoughts and worries that were plaguing his mind.

This was a question that he couldn't take back and he could feel the girl's body tensing while she thought about the answer. The answer to this question was something she hadn't fully thought about until it was asked. 

The answer was no.  
No, no she didn't want to.

"No," Hannah breathed, her body relaxing as she said that word aloud and her body shook with a sob as it relaxed into the boy beside her. He wasn't recoiling in fear or disgust and he wasn't leaving her alone. Her biggest fear was that she'd lose the only friend she had, but all it did was cause Clay's hold of her to tighten. Clearly he didn't want to let her go, even more so now he knew the true nature of what happened at Bryce's infamous party.

This was no easy thing to admit or speak about, so he felt an incredible weight on his shoulders. "Okay," Clay said softly as he processed everything that Hannah had just admitted to him. What was he supposed to do?

One thing was for certain, Clay was going to help Hannah get through this. He absolutely adored this beautiful girl, despite his inability to talk to girls like other guys could. Jeff was doing a good job with his teaching thus far but Clay was almost certain there hadn't been a situation close to this that they had covered. There wasn't a single thing that his friend had taught him that could apply to this current situation, though Clay was trying his best to be exactly what Hannah needed. He hoped that her telling him meant that she thought he could help because if she had faith in him then he could do anything. He could help, or at least try.

The teenage boy continued sitting with his arm wrapped around the girl as she cried. Her head was still rested on his shoulder so he didn't have the pleasure or luxury of seeing her face, though he could imagine it was similar to the expression he saw the night before. She could cry for as long as she wanted, he wasn't going to rush them out of this room or this bed because he could imagine she just needed to cry right now, and she could. "It's going to be okay," the boy promised as he gently rested his head on top of hers. He would make sure that he could keep that promise, or he would die trying.

It took a very long time for Hannah to stop shaking, and even when the shaking had lessened it hadn't completely ceased, but Clay took any improvement he could. He definitely wasn't looking forward to going downstairs because he definitely wasn't going to leave Hannah on her own, not like this, but he didn't want to take her downstairs to be in the firing line of a million questions from his mom. Hopefully they wouldn't be disturbed and they could deal with that when the time came.

"Clay!" a female voice called up the stairs. "Clay, come down for breakfast," the woman ordered with no room for argument. It seemed that the teens wouldn't have any time to prepare for the questions they were sure to have to answer, especially Hannah who was meeting his parents in a very peculiar situation.

The boy pulled away slowly so that he could look at Hannah for the first time in a while. She wiped away her own tears with the sleeves of his hoodie, which still looked better on her than it ever could on him. It seemed to be her turn to assure Clay this time, though for a completely different reason. "It's okay," she promised, sniffling and wiping away the last few tears that escaped her eyes. 

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, positive," Hannah whispered as she regained her composure a little more. Maybe being downstairs with Clay's parents would be better than having to talk about what she had just told him. Hannah didn't want to think about it let alone talk about it, so perhaps the awkward meeting of the Jensens would be a welcome distraction, no matter how worried about it she secretly was. Hannah adored Clay so much, what if his parents didn't like her?

Maybe she shouldn't be worried about that right now, but it was better than worrying about what happened yesterday... right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this, thank you for reading! <3 The next chapter will be up quicker than this one was, I'm trying to be quicker!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fact she was finally realising how much Clay meant to her and how much she meant to Clay only made it harder to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you all enough for the reaction I got on the last chapter, it's so overwhelming and warming! I really hope that this doesn't disappoint after all of the expectation and though long, I know not as much happens as a lot of people predict but I don't want to give too much away. Please keep leaving all of the amazing comments with thoughts and feedback, I absolutely adore reading them!

It was daunting enough to be meeting Clay's parents but Hannah's worry about the situation was amplified considering the clothes she was wearing. Walking downstairs in Clay's clothes didn't exactly sound like it would give the best first impression, though it was easy to explain what happened if his parents were to ask. Hannah's parents had been lovely when meeting Clay, even if she was positive that her father still didn't know what her mother was hinting at the entire time. She could only hope that this meeting would be the exact same. It wasn't promising considering the circumstances, they weren't even expecting her, but as soon as Clay turned to her with a reassuring smile she felt a lot more at ease.

No matter how preferable to the girl it was to stay in Clay's bedroom for a lot longer than they had already, she knew it would be even worse to keep his parents waiting. She made sure to wipe away any tears that were still lingering on her cheeks to make herself look as presentable as possible; it would give the wrong impression if she were to walk into the kitchen looking completely dishevelled, so she straightened out her t-shirt and pulled the sleeves of the hoodie over her hands as a nervous habit.

Clay glanced back at Hannah when they reached the bottom of the stairs and he saw her fiddling with her sleeves, which even he could assume was an action driven by nerves. He didn't want Hannah to feel nervous because there was more than enough for the girl to feel down about without his parents making her feel worse. As much as he would like to think his parents would be fine with Hannah, much like her parents had been with him, it was completely unpredictable. When he told his mom about going to Hannah's house for dinner she seemed excited but the boy would be very surprised if the woman was still excited after learning that Hannah stayed over and slept in the same bed as her son without permission. Lainie might choose to be angry with Clay instead of Hannah, though if she knew the circumstances then she most definitely wouldn't feel any kind of way about the arguably heroic act that Clay did that night - that most definitely wasn't the way that he would describe it himself, even though Hannah felt very much like she had been saved by Clay that night.

The boy took a step ahead of Hannah so that he could enter the kitchen before her, but he still didn't begin walking over there because he wasn't sure if Hannah was ready and he wasn't either. Facing his parents was always difficult, but facing them when he had a girl with him that stayed over unbeknown to them was proving to be terrifying.

"Are you ready?" he asked quietly, though by asking he was merely buying time to psych himself up.

It would be fine. He just had to suck it up and walk into the kitchen. Besides, Hannah was worth any awkwardness and punishment he'd get from his parents. She was always worth it.

With one affirmative nod, Clay advanced towards the kitchen door and slid inside. His father was sat at the table, where there were three plates set out for their breakfast, and his mother was still preparing the food. She had called for him before the food was completely ready to give him time to make his way downstairs, which was no different from any other morning, and he was glad that his parents weren't already sat down and awaiting his arrival.

Hannah stayed slightly hidden behind Clay, barely noticeable to the two adults that weren't even paying attention, and laid her eyes upon both of the teen's parents with interest. Clay's mother was a very beautiful woman and Clay's father had some resemblance to his son, though with the man hidden behind a newspaper it was difficult to see much of him.

"Mom? Dad?" Clay spoke as he moved into the bright light of the kitchen, which contrasted largely to the somewhat dimly lit hallway.

The fact he had addressed his parents caused their eyes to turn his way and that was exactly what he wanted. He thought it was better to formally introduce Hannah rather than not mentioning the fact he had a girl over, which would hopefully lessen the negativity in their reaction. Clay wasn't sneaking Hannah out of the front door, he was having her stay for breakfast, so surely he couldn't be perceived as  _too_  guilty. If he was guilty then he probably would have acted more like it by sneaking around and making Hannah leave.

Matt lowered the newspaper from in front of his face and looked over the top of his glasses, which were halfway down his nose. His interest was already sparked by his son requesting his attention but he was instilled with an even bigger curiosity when he noticed the boy wasn't alone in the doorway. A curly haired girl slowly emerged through the doorway and into the kitchen, revealing herself to the two parents with a shy and unsure smile. His first thought was that his son had a girlfriend and it hadn't even occurred to the man that she was wearing his clothes or that she had stayed; he was oblivious.

Unfortunately for Clay, Lainie wasn't as oblivious. She lightly clattered the plates she was holding together as she swiftly turned around to see what her son had called her for, and the clattering cut through the unbearable silence that followed Clay's words. It was silent for a few more moments. A beautiful girl moved forwards to stand just slightly behind Clay, yet fully in the others' view. She wasn't hiding because she wasn't exactly guilty of anything, no matter how daunting this situation was.

"Uh- this is Hannah," the teen introduced to his parents in the least awkward way possible, though whenever Clay was concerned it was hard to not be that little bit awkward.

"Oh-" Lainie began, her words running away from her as she stared wide eyed at the unexpected visitor. "Hannah... right," she nodded slowly, taking in the information her son had shared and shooting the boy a choice  _look_. "I suppose Hannah is staying for breakfast?" she wondered aloud, though was careful to not come across rude. Of course it was a shock, Clay had a lot of explaining to do, but Lainie didn't want to ruin her own first impression on Clay's  _friend_  by being too... overbearing.

"If that's okay?" Clay asked, to which his mother nodded with a tight smile.

The man at the table lifted up his newspaper and continued to read it through his glasses, narrowing his eyes to get a better view of the words. Clearly the stranger in his kitchen wasn't the biggest interest in his mind at that moment, though he was more so diverting his attention away so that he wasn't overwhelming her. Hannah didn't feel overly welcomed, which was expected, but she didn't feel unwelcome either. It was a pleasant balance for now, she would just have to charm her way onto Clay's parents' good side after a strange start.

When Clay advanced towards the table, Hannah did the same. She was very much so using Clay as a guide as to what to do. She followed his actions in moving towards the table and awaited indication as to where she should sit. Clay indicated very well as he pulled out a chair for her to sit in, a gentlemanly gesture that didn't go unnoticed by any of the people in the room, and Hannah sat down slowly. She pulled the sleeves of the hoodie over her hands once more, something she found she was doing all too often now that she had something so comfortable and comforting to wear, and her eyes went from the man in the room over to the woman. "It's nice to meet you Mr and Mrs. Jensen," she said politely, realising that even if she wasn't usually this polite it was perfectly natural to become the best version of herself when trying to impress. Even if she might have been inclined to make fun of Clay for his politeness when he met her parents, she was doing the exact same thing now. She understood every worry and action of Clay that night he had dinner with her parents because she was feeling all of those same things right now. Every thought was no doubt the same as his on that wonderful night and she hoped that she could impress Clay's mom and dad as amazingly as he did hers.

"And you," Matt responded with equal politeness, making sure to keep the newspaper at a fair height so that he could see the girl. It wasn't at all alarming in his mind that a girl had been here all night, though his wife wasn't having quite the same reaction.

Lainie busied herself with adding an extra plate to the original three, a concerned frown etched onto her face and wild thoughts running through her mind. All kinds of awful scenarios were running through her head with what might have happened last night without her knowing. She remembered going to sleep and checking on her son and at that time he was fast asleep in bed, alone, whereas now he was with a girl that was wearing his clothes. It was fine that her husband didn't recognise the clothing straight away but the woman had washed that t-shirt many times before and remembered buying those exact items with her son one afternoon. The hoodie was Clay's too, though that was something a lot more difficult to notice and easier to make excuses for. It was perfectly normal for people to own the same jackets or hoodies, but to have the entire outfit was far from coincidence.

Lainie had made all of her assumptions, all of which were giving a very negative outlook on her son's recent behaviour. If he hadn't gone behind her back then maybe she wouldn't have had the same reaction, though for right now she was being dangerously quiet while these thoughts turned slightly ridiculous.

Hannah could feel the awkward atmosphere thickening and it was getting uncomfortably tense, at least for her. It wasn't working as a distraction from the events of the night before and she wished it wasn't this tense because she began overthinking again. Her eyes were watery already from her eyes stinging with the previous tears, though neither of the adults in the room had noticed.

The woman continued preparing breakfast and the only noises around them were the clattering of cutlery and plates while Lainie plated up the cooked breakfast. There was more than enough for the extra person so she didn't mention how unexpected the 'visit' was, though it was definitely playing on her mind. She walked over to the table and placed down the food, glancing with a warning look at her son. "Did you stay over, Hannah?" she asked, if only so that she could prove her own assumptions. Perhaps she was wrong and Clay forgot to mention that Hannah was coming over this morning, though that was very unlike her son.

Unsure whether or not to tell the truth, Hannah glanced to where Clay had settled in the seat beside her. He gave her a small smile and an even smaller nod before shifting in his seat. "Uhm, yes... I did," she replied calmly.

The blonde pursed her lips even tighter and nodded sharply. "Right," she breathed, placing down an extra cup for Hannah so that she could help herself. The woman nudged her husband on her way past while getting the final things for breakfast and the man immediately understood what the hints meant. Matt wasn't going to talk to his son about this, at least not while the girl was still here, so he didn't act on his wife's hints. She wanted him to say something about Clay going against them and doing something without their permission, though now didn't seem like an appropriate time. However, what he did do, was place down the newspaper that he had yet to finish reading. He fixed the positioning of his glasses and ran a hand through his long hair.

Clay felt very similarly to his father about the inevitable conversation. Eventually he would have to explain why he had someone stay over without their permission, though in front of Hannah it would make her feel guilty when she had no reason to be. Clay was the one that jumped out of bed and biked all around Crestmont to find her, which meant she had nothing to feel guilty about. He wanted to help and he had never been more relieved that he received a phone call in his life. It started to make him wonder what might have happened had he not picked up, or it Hannah hadn't called him.

Lainie settled down in her seat opposite, placing a coffee down for her husband in the process. The man thanked her and took a sip of the hot coffee.

"Help yourself, Hannah," Matt encouraged and offered a smile as he did the same.

Each person took what they wanted from the middle of the table, including the shy girl that was still unsure how to act around Clay's parents. Clay was no ordinary friend or boy, he was the only person that had proved he cared for her in a long time. Hannah valued Clay much higher than most other people in her life because of how amazing he continued proving himself to be. Last night he did what she least expected, always continuing to pleasantly surprise her, and all prior doubts of if he truly liked her were taken away. If finding her in the middle of the night to bring her home and take care of her didn't prove how Clay felt then she wasn't sure if anything could. Everything that the boy had done before could have been played off as pity or his natural kindness, but this particular night was more than that. Hannah wouldn't have told him what happened if she didn't completely trust him and his feelings about her. They were friends, and not out of pity, they truly cared for each other and she finally felt like she was enough for Clay Jensen.

After some silence, and most people in the kitchen being lost in thought, Lainie finally looked up at Hannah. She had avoided looking at the girl in fear she would say something she would regret but the woman finally collected her wild thoughts and forced her eyes upwards. "I'm sorry, Clay didn't mention you were coming," she said pointedly. "But it's nice to meet you, Clay doesn't have friends over very often."

Clay may have protested had she been stretching the truth, though his mother was completely accurate. Clay didn't have friends over, let alone  _female_  friends, so this was a rare occurrence.

The boy wished his mom wasn't being as obvious about her annoyance and anger over the situation because it would eventually make Hannah feel guilty. Right now the only thing on his mind was Hannah's well-being, it was circling around his head with what she told him and how upset she was. Clay wanted Hannah to be happy, nothing more or less, so it was difficult to see how she was right now. If his mom would just look a little closer then she'd see the watery, reddened eyes and the slightly sad expression. Clay poked around the food on his plate, not in the mood for eating at all, and neither was Hannah. How could they be?

"It's okay, Mrs. Jensen. Thank you for- for letting me stay on such short notice," Hannah smiled politely up at the woman before diverting her eyes back to her plate. She took a sip of her water and sighed quietly.

This wasn't going quite the way she hoped or imagined.

"It's no bother," Lainie assured. She took a moment to properly look at the girl and put a face to the name. This was the famous Hannah Baker that her son had spent some time recently, or at least that's what the woman assumed. He wouldn't have gone to her house for dinner with her parents unless they were close friends, or closer.

Upon her closer inspection she noticed something strange about the girl, though not in her appearance of course. Hannah was a beautiful girl but she had a sad glint in her eye. She looked distant and sad with her eyes trained down on her place and her hands slightly shaky. One of her hands were concealing in her lap, which may have been shaking even more than the one holding her fork. Lainie immediately felt guilt wash over her from how she had treated the girl since she entered the room and though it wasn't completely rude or unwelcoming, it still wasn't helping whatever had upset the girl before she entered the kitchen. Lainie was a very perceptive person and she noticed a lot of things. She was more than capable of piecing things together and she realised that if Hannah was upset then maybe the fact she slept over was innocent after all.

Her son had never been a bad kid, he always did the right thing and didn't seem to keep all that many secrets. Maybe she had read this whole situation wrong.

Finally Lainie smiled properly at the girl and caught her eye. "You're welcome over anytime," she nodded and continued on with breakfast. It was that small invitation that allowed conversation to properly begin at the table. Lainie was being careful because of how shaky and fragile the girl looked, despite how confident and polite she managed to speak, but they still managed to have a good conversation. Hannah felt very welcome and Clay noticed, especially when the girl started to laugh at a story about him when he was younger. It was typical of his mother to break the ice with childhood stories but if it caused Hannah to laugh at such an awful time in her life, Clay would let her tell those stories all day.

The end of breakfast drew closer and closer until Matt was looking back at his newspaper and Lainie was clearing the table. "We can drop you off at home? It would save you walking," Lainie offered.

"I can take Hannah home, mom... it's okay," he smiled.

Hannah much preferred the idea of Clay taking her home, it would be a lot nicer to talk to him alone for a while. It was nice meeting Clay's parents, even after the initial awkwardness, but Hannah was happy to be getting some alone time with the boy.

Lainie completely understood and smiled knowingly at her son, even if her smiles would definitely turn to frowns when he returned home. He would definitely need to be spoken to about what happened the night before, even if only because the woman was concerned about the girl. She was still a little bit shaky towards the end of breakfast, which was something that didn't go unnoticed.

"I'm just going to get dressed," Clay smiled at Hannah before he left the kitchen and hurried up the stairs. He stumbled in his hurry to get up them and into his room, where he sourced some clothes to wear and threw them on. He took it upon himself to gather Hannah's things and put them into a bag, just so that she didn't have to worry herself with putting the wet clothes back on or leaving anything here. She looked fine in the clothes he had given her to wear, better than fine, so Clay hoped she wouldn't mind that he gathered her clothes from the night before up. It occurred to him that maybe she should keep them as they are, as evidence or something, though Clay wasn't exactly sure what Hannah would want to do about what happened. One thing that he did know was that he wanted justice. He wanted Hannah to be avenged and Bryce Walker needed to pay.

><

Clay walked with his bike on one side and Hannah on the other. He pushed his bike along with them as they walked around this cool morning, which they were protected from in their hoodies... well, Clay's hoodies. They had yet to talk about what happened the night before and Clay had only made small talk about his parents, making small apologies as to how quiet his mom had been at first, though Hannah accepted the fact the circumstances could have been better.

One thing that Clay noticed as they walked towards Hannah's house was that she was incredibly strong. She was managing to take the small talk and the silences without getting overwhelmed by thoughts of the night before, or at least without visibly showing it. No doubt inside of Hannah's head it was a lot different than what Clay could see on the outside, though that didn't make her any less strong. Hannah was the strongest person that Clay knew and he would make sure he told her that one day when she needed to hear it, or just because he wanted her to know. Right now he just wanted to see what she was thinking because asking if she was okay was the worst thing to do, obviously she wasn't okay, but Clay wanted to know what Hannah wanted. If she wanted him to stay with her then he'd stay for as long as she needed him but if she wanted to be alone then he would let her be alone too.

"If you want me to stay then..." he trailed off slowly. "I can stay?" he wondered, remembering this area to be around ten minutes away from Hannah's house at the pace they were walking so they had time to talk about it.

"It's okay," Hannah promised, pressing the tip of her index finger to the corner of her eye to catch a tear before it could run down her cheek.

"Just call if- if you want... I can come over when- uh, whenever," he stuttered over his words because he still wasn't confident enough to ask things that could be wrong. He wanted to say the right thing but that wasn't always possible, especially with someone who was as bad with girls as him. He wanted to know if there was anything else that Hannah needed to tell him, anything else that had happened which she could tell him about if she was comfortable, but it was so difficult to know what was overstepping.

Hannah found his stuttering sweet, sweet enough to bring a small smile to her lips. Unfortunately with the smile came tears and she sucked in a shaky breath while her tears fell once again. "I know," she nodded.

Hannah knew. She knew that Clay was here for her, even when he didn't know what the right thing to say was some of the time. He was here, always. It was always Clay.

The fact she was finally realising how much Clay meant to her and how much she meant to Clay only made it harder to deal with. Finally she could be labelled what everyone had been calling her at school for the past year and it was all thanks to the captain of the football team. No one would believe her if she told them what happened. Well, not 'no one'. The most important people, the ones who really mattered, completely believed her. Clay hadn't questioned what she told him to be true or whether it was at all her own fault, he just held her and let her cry, which was the best possible thing he could have done in that situation. He really needed to give himself more credit with how amazing he was, especially with her.

"Clay?" Hannah whispered, suddenly stopping because she wasn't quite ready to reach her house. Soon she would be ready to walk inside and avoid her parents but not right now because she had one more thing that was hurting her an immense amount.

"Yeah?" the boy immediately stopped walking when she did and he turned to her, giving her his undivided attention.

"It happened to Jessica too... but- but I don't think she knows," Hannah turned towards Clay too because if there was one thing he could do to help this awful situation, it was just  _be there_. The girl covered her face with her hands for a moment, crying into them with muffled sobs leaving her lips. "I should have-" she gulped. "I didn't stop it," she whispered.

Clay didn't hesitate to drop the bike onto the pavement and slowly set down the bag containing Hannah's clothes. He laid it down slowly and stepped close to the girl immediately, driven by worry and not having the time to hesitate at all. He reached forwards for her hands that were covering her face and softly began to move them from in front of her. "Hannah," he was speaking so softly that it was arguably a whisper and his mind was racing.

Somewhere amongst her muffled words was the information of when the same thing happened to Hannah, which was at Jessica's party, and everything fell into place. Hannah witnessed the worst thing happen to her former best friend and then the same, soul-crushing thing happened to her too. Perhaps she deserved it, perhaps it was her payback for not stopping it from happening to Jessica. If the guilt wasn't punishment enough then this was.

"Hannah," he said her name again to get her attention, which was proving difficult in her distraught state. "Hannah please," he whispered while trying to softly remove her hands from in front of her face. Eventually she cooperated and let him guide her hands away, leaving herself a lot more open and vulnerable to his gaze. Clay stared at her intensely, though it wasn't making things worse in the slightest. Hannah stared into Clay's eyes deeply, using it as something to focus on so that she could come back to herself. She felt like her emotions had spiralled and she had panicked a lot more than she should have, but Clay wasn't making her feel guilty for breaking... again. It was almost expected. "Was it Bryce?" he asked tentatively, staring into her eyes and holding onto her hands softly.

All it took was one nod to confirm and one nod to install such anger inside of Clay that it was hard to hide. He was angry for Hannah and for Jessica, neither of whom deserved this. No one deserved this.

"We can fix it," he promised, gently pulling Hannah into his chest and closing his eyes. He took deep breathes to get rid of his current anger, which he would save until later, and held the girl as her body shook with sobs. "I'm going to fix it," he promised, feeling the girl's head move in a nod as she cried into his chest. Hannah deserved so much better than this. Clay was determined to give her  _better_.

The two teens weren't sure how long they were there, much like most of the hugs they had, but no matter how long Clay held Hannah in his arms it was never long enough.

Eventually Hannah pulled away with less shaky hands and less watery eyes, using the sleeves of the hoodie to wipe away her tears. It was clear that there was a lot that they needed to talk about but still neither said a word in fear that it was cause Hannah to go into a bad way again. Clay wanted to focus on Hannah smiling, not crying, even though she was stunning regardless of how she was feeling. "Come on," Hannah encouraged and intertwined her fingers with Clay's. She squeezed his hand and he clumsily retrieved the bike and bag with his other hand. They advanced towards the Baker's house together, though parted ways at the end of the driveway.

Clay handed over the bag with her clothes in, which she took in the hand that wasn't clutching onto his. She wasn't quite ready to let go but had to force herself to do so, otherwise she wasn't sure she ever would. "I'll see you soon, Helmet," Hannah said with a sad smile, and Clay nodded at that promise.

"Yeah... see you soon," Clay nodded once and watched as she disappeared into her house.

Hannah walked inside the house, glad that her parents weren't on the sofas waiting for her. She wasn't sure if they had called her phone or just assumed she had stayed at a friend's house, but they weren't on the sofas where she left them the night before. Her feet carried her into her bedroom, where she dropped the bag of clothes onto the floor immediately after entering.

Out of habit, she closed the door and looked around at the room. Her expression was blank and the only indication as to how she was feeling was the shaking of her hands, which she ignored as she closed them into fists around the comforting, warm hoodie that Clay hadn't asked for as she walked into the house. If he wanted it back then he would have asked and Hannah was unbelievably glad that he didn't. Even if Clay wasn't here, it felt like he was still here to comfort her as long as she was in his recognisable hoodie.

The girl didn't do anything after that. She walked over to her bed and moved back the covers before settling down on top of the mattress. She laid on her side, staring blankly at the room at the unfamiliar angle. She didn't even bother to pull the covers over her after laying down, she just stayed on the bed and let her dangerous thoughts overwhelm her.

Maybe she should have asked Clay to stay after all.

><

The wind whipped past Clay as he biked towards home where his parents would be waiting to have a conversation with him, a conversation that he most definitely wasn't in the mood for. As soon as Hannah disappeared into her house, he didn't have to pretend anymore. He didn't have to pretend that he wasn't angry or absolutely livid about what happened to her and, what he recently found out, happened to Jessica too.

It was infuriating how much power someone could have purely for being rich and the captain of the football team. He was powerful, though all anger inside of Clay got rid of any fear of the boy he originally had.

People like Clay were afraid of Bryce Walker, though not right now.

Clay continued biking towards his house, whole body a little shaky but purely from rage. He was completely overwhelmed by the information he had been given because as much as he wanted to make Hannah feel better, there was nothing he could do to stop what happened from happening. Maybe if he had asked Hannah more about what happened at Jessica's party then he would have been able to stop it from happening again.

Everything was just so messed up.

As he neared home he could see the familiar houses and the familiar feeling of running away came back. Every time something had happened, he had been hidden away in his bedroom. After Jessica's party he returned home, even after seeing how bad Hannah was, and during Bryce's party the previous night he had been in his room. Again.

Clay was always running. He was always running away and not acting on things that, if he had the strength, he could have. There wasn't a single person in this world he wanted to protect more than Hannah Baker and he failed because he was too worried to ask her on a date and he was too scared to make a move.

It wasn't directly his fault, not at all, but that didn't mean he wouldn't have been able to stop it from happening.

Finally the bike came to a stop directly in front of his house. He looked directly at the door, staring at it with wide eyes and puffs of breath leaving his lips. He could feel his own eyes watering from the pure anger and rage inside of him, bubbling from his heart and up to his throat. "Fuck," he snapped at himself, wishing he wasn't so  _stupid_.

One thing that Clay refused to do was break his promise to Hannah and he had promised her that he would fix it. With the adrenaline pumping through his veins, he frowned at his house where he would be safe and he headed to the one place where he possibly wouldn't be.

Clay turned the bike around and pushed off with determination glinting in his eyes. His complete, undeniable love for Hannah was possessing him to go to the one place that would allow him to fix all of this and stop it from happening to anyone else. He could get justice for Hannah, for Jessica and for anyone else that had suffered for the same guy. Of course there was only one place that this could be.

Bryce Walker's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> This chapter was a lot longer than normal but I hope you enjoyed it, a lot of you know what's happening in the next chapter and I'm really excited to write it! Unfortunately I'm going away from Monday to Friday and I will have no internet so the next chapter will be here next weekend, I hope the wait is okay and I wish I didn't have to leave it on such a cliffhanger! I would have written out even more for this chapter but I think it's long enough and makes more sense to end it here, I hope you agree and understand! <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That one was for Jessica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot apologise enough for disappearing, I have had a hectic few months! I’m not sure if people will still want to read but I’m just going to see what the response I get for this chapter is and decide from there so if you’d like me to continue please let me know with comments! I cannot apologise enough and I won’t disappear again if people still want updates, I promise!

Clay wasn't sure how natural this would look to the boy on the other side of the door but he didn't care, he just had a fire in his heart and a lot of determination to get justice for the girl he loved, and the girl he disappointed that night at the party. He'd disappointed Hannah enough so far and he refused to do it again, he couldn't do it again, and it was time that he stopped running away and he did something.

The danger of confronting Bryce Walker didn't occur to him as he awaited on the other side of the front door, which would open at any moment and reveal the tall, intimidating figure that was plaguing the halls of Liberty High for his own enjoyment. Perhaps he didn't know any better, perhaps his background made him think all of this way okay. Who would tell him it wasn't? Even Justin Foley most definitely wouldn't tell his best friend the difference between right and wrong in fear of getting on the bad side of the powerful figure, but that wasn't going to stop Clay. He wasn't as strong as the jocks and he definitely didn't have the backing of anyone else, he just had himself and a beautiful girl that was broken down and hurting due to the actions of this monster, and this monster needed teaching a lesson. Was Clay the most suited person to teach that lesson? Probably not. Was he still going to try? Of course he was.

The door swung open, the star basketball player looking confused and slightly amused at who was at his front door, though Clay didn't look very amused. Adrenaline was pumping though the brunette's veins and he had every intention of punching Bryce, but not yet. He needed some sort of proof and some sort of assurance that Bryce knew what he had done. Clay believed Hannah more than anyone, she was trustworthy in every single way, but he wanted to hear Bryce say it. He wanted to hear the horrible words leave his lips.

A confession.

"Jensen? The fuck do you want?" Bryce asked with a confused expression, which soon turned to curious and unsure when he heard what the guy claimed to be here for.

"Uh- hey Bryce, listen... I was wondering if, I- I, if I could buy some weed? It's kind of an emergency," Clay lied skilfully with his awkwardness playing a huge part in making this look truthful. It was no different from his usual awkward stammering, so he was safe from suspicion. Well, the suspicion did seem to alarm in Bryce's eyes as he leaned forwards and checked their surroundings, making sure there was no one else around to catch him out. It wasn't like Clay Jensen would bring the police to Bryce's door about weed but the guy could never be too careful.

"You wanna buy some weed? From me?" Bryce clarified once the surroundings were clear.

"Yes. I do... if you wouldn't mind."

"Why would I mind? Come on in," he gestured into the large house and started going inside, letting the heavy door close behind the smaller guy as he went towards his stash of weed. He moved so swiftly and easily towards it, it was like he'd expected such a request or something. Regardless of that, this wasn't what Clay actually came here for and he wasn't going to get into the whole 'weed' thing too much.

It did kind of make him curious as to the positioning of the stash though, and he raised his eyebrows curiously. "You keep it on the coffee table?" he asked.

"Yeah, my parents are in Ibiza. They won't be back for a week or so," Bryce responded casually and looked at the stuff he had. Of course he clarified to Clay that he wasn't a dealer, which was quite amusing to the furious teen. He wasn't a dealer, right. At least that wasn't something else he could get arrested for, Bryce was making sure of that.

They proceeded to talk about the weed and what Clay wanted, the amount and the type, but all Clay could think about was the party Hannah Baker had been to. His eyes stared out of the window, seeing the hot tub and infamous garden that he'd never had the pleasure of attending a party in. He wasn't sure he'd want to, the only party he wished he'd attended was that one party where Hannah had the worst night of her life and called Clay in a cry for help.

He felt sick.

His facial expression changed as he stared out of that window, it dropping from the fake friendliness. Bryce was mistaking his anger and adrenaline for his 'emergency' of wanting weed. His bounciness surely did provide some sort of proof of his reason for being here, but that was all a lie. He wasn't here for weed, he was here for some justice. He was here for Bryce to finally realise what he was doing and how unbelievably wrong it was. Clay didn't see himself as anything special, he just saw himself as someone trying to put a very bad thing right. It would never be right just because of him but he could help it, at least he'd help it if he could. He'd hate himself if he didn't even try.

"You've had a lot of parties here, right?" he asked, hearing a hum of affirmation from the jock. "Hannah Baker came to one a day or so ago," he commented, his eyes prickling with tears of anger, sadness and regret. He was still in disbelief and slight shock at all of this, so he managed to hold it together and remain calm and casual.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You and Hannah... you had sex with her, right?" Clay asked the question without realising how intrusive it might sound, though right then he really couldn't care how he sounded. He took a few steps back from the window and stared at Bryce instead, who was finally giving Clay his undivided attention. "Did she want you to?"

Something about that question made the sick, inappropriate guy chuckle. He chuckled. "I assume so," his cocky response made Clay's mouth go dry and his head spin. It was impossible to believe someone could be this stupid, or so delusional or sick. Getting uncomfortable, the older guy stood and began walking towards the door, but Clay wasn't at all done with him yet. Bryce's hand patted Clay in a boyish way on his way past and it only infuriated Clay more.

"You raped her," he blurted out.

"What?"

"You fucking raped her."

"Don't talk about things you don't know shit about Jensen."

"Why did you do it?"

"Thank you for coming and now get the fuck out of my house."

"I'm not going until you admit it."

"Seriously, Jensen," Bryce paused and turned back from the door, his eyes flaming with a hint of anger and annoyance.

"Say what you did? Say it."

Bryce stepped closer to Clay, expecting the smaller guy to cower and step back once he realised he had no chance if this led to a fight, but nothing happened. Clay didn't step down, he didn't waver and his eyes definitely didn't stop staring at Bryce intensely. He wasn't leaving here until he had a confession, until Bryce took credit for what he did that night. For what he did to Hannah. The taller guy continued stepping closer until he couldn't anymore, eyes dangerous and angry while his calmness was even more unnerving. "Calm down Jensen," he advised in a dangerous tone. "She fucking wanted it, okay? She made eyes at me and she really fucking wanted it so I don't know what she's told you but she's a liar. She wants to seem all innocent and pure to you? Well she's not."

The anger was rising and the adrenaline pumping through his veins was reaching its maximum. Clay bounced on his feet, each allegation against Hannah just making him want to wipe that look off of Bryce's face. He was insufferable and making this way too easy for Clay to hate him, not that he didn't already.

He hit him.

Clay's fist connected harshly and impressively into Bryce's face as the older guy began moving away, which definitely wasn't something Clay was going to allow. He wasn't getting away, not this time. Though this first punch had released a lot of pent up anger and adrenaline, it didn't mean he had the courage to punch Bryce again. In fact, after the adrenaline began to lower he realised just how one sided and bad this could end up, with himself beaten to the ground and Bryce without so much as a bruise. Still, he felt a lot fucking better for doing that. He hit him, and that hit was for Hannah. Once more Clay found the courage to connect his fist to Bryce's face.

That one was for Jessica.

Unfortunately, that was all he managed. Bryce stepped forwards and touched his jaw, clicking it slightly after the two harsh punches he received. He'd been given harder, and lighter, but he really wasn't going to let someone like Clay Jensen get away with that. "Now, why did you have to do that?" he asked with a slightly intimidating stance taking form and his tone fed up and tired. He clearly didn't want this fight, but he had it.

It only took one harsh hit in Clay's stomach to send the boy down and wheezing on the floor, clutching the ground with one hand and his stomach with the other. Bryce's deep and calm voice could be heard over the wheezes and the gasps for air, but it definitely wasn't comforting to hear that. It just made Clay angrier.

"All right, you're okay. Come here," he sighed and brought the boy up to his feet, connecting another punch to his face but holding him up so he couldn't fall down.

Bryce didn't let Clay fall, he just kept hitting him.

Hit,  
after hit,  
after hit,  
after hit.

Then, he let him fall. Clay fell to the ground, his hand reaching into his pocket and making sure his recorder was still working. It was. He could feel the blood running down his face from his nose and a cut above his eyebrow but he didn't care, he just assumed a foetal position on the ground and coughed as a harsh shoe connected with his stomach. As Clay lay helpless on the floor, Bryce grabbed a towel and cleaned his hands. He watched Clay from across the room, pouring himself a 'well earned' class.

"If it was fucking rape then every single girl at that school wants to be raped," he told Clay, and that was all the proof he needed to continue persisting. Bryce knew it wasn't right, so Clay wasn't done yet.

Clay coughed and spluttered slightly, dragging himself over to the chair that his backpack was on and removing the backpack so he could take the seat. He watched through hateful eyes as Bryce got himself a drink and put some ice into a towel, which he didn't actually need for himself but he seemed to be bringing over for Clay instead. In fact, there were two glasses and not just one. How gentlemanly of him, offering the guy he just beat up a drink. Once Clay caught his breath back and accepted the two offered objects, which was the least he could do so he could have a conversation with Bryce and get he answer that he wanted. Bryce didn't seem mad anyway, he actually laughed. "Respect Jensen, respect," he laughed, taking the seat to the other side of the table between them, watching the poor guy he'd just given a lesson of his own. Don't tell Bryce Walker.

"So she wanted it? She told you that?"

"She didn't have to, alright? Girls play games."

"She didn't say yes?"

"Well she didn't say no. Why don't you ask her?"

Clay shook his head, unable to think straight with the growing headache in his head induced by the hits to the head he'd received, but the pain was worth the tape recorder recording all of Bryce's confession. Well, it wasn't a confession yet, but Bryce had to admire Clay's persistence. He had a lot of it. "I'm asking you Bryce. I just want to hear you say it."

"Are you a virgin?"

"Why does that even matter?" Clay asked, his alcohol untouched and the ice not having touched his head yet. He was too focused and too distracted, but he knew he was holding them because his hands were growing colder by the second.

"I'll take that as a yes so why don't you go and get yourself laid a couple of times and then we'll talk?" Bryce asked with a slight chuckle, but Clay wasn't laughing.

The intensity grew and the pressing questions came to a pause until Clay stared directly into Bryce's eyes and asked him the question he needed an answer to, for Hannah's sake.

"Did you rape Hannah Baker?"

"You wanna call it rape, call it rape. Same difference."

There it was.

Clay sipped the burning liquid in the glass and stared vacantly at the floor. Fuck.

><

"Fuck!" Clay screamed as he road down the middle of the road on his bike, his head leaning backwards and the wind whipping past his hair. A loud scream bubbled in his throat and he couldn't help but let it pass his lips, no matter how bad of a shape he was in and how fine Bryce was. He really hadn't done much damage to the basketball player, but he got what he wanted. He got a confession, and he got a couple of hits in for the girls he was trying to get justice for. He wanted justice for them all, he wanted justice for Hannah. Maybe now she could have it, maybe now she could feel like... guilty.

The wind was harsh against Clay's wounds and the blood on his face but he didn't care about that right now, he just had one destination in mind. His legs worked with great effort to push himself around these neighbourhoods and around Crestmont. It didn't take him long with the lack of cars on the road and how tirelessly his legs worked to power his bike. No helmet and at such a high speed definitely wasn't safe but he didn't care about safety, he already looked like he'd been in some sort of accident with how awful his face was. The only problem with turning up like this meant that he'd frighten Hannah's parents. They were always so welcoming and kind to him but seeing him arrive like this would probably give the wrong impression, so Clay didn't go to the front door of Hannah's house.

No.

He went around the house slightly until he found the window that belonged to Hannah's room, and he only knew that from seeing her in that window as he left earlier that day to go towards Bryce's house. He left her there and he felt guilty for doing so, but now he was back. He'd made the mistake of not going to Bryce's and leaving her once, he wouldn't make that mistake again.

Clay threw a stone lightly at Hannah's window, dropping his bike to the floor and relieving his back of the strain of carrying his backpack too. He threw another stone, watching as the light switched on and shine through the gaps in the curtains. One more stone tapped lightly on the window, and he waited.

><

Hannah truly regretted allowing Clay to leave her there alone because she'd never felt so empty inside. It was nothing but emptiness. Even as she curled up in Clay's hoodie, that he would no doubt be missing, she couldn't help but feel that it was nothing compared to actually having him there. It gave him a reason to come back, she supposed, but that was all. She wished she'd asked him to just stay with her another night so that she didn't feel alone when she woke the next morning, not that she'd get all that much sleep. In fact, she didn't even know why she was laying down. It seemed like a lost cause.

The girl stared blankly ahead of her for long enough before she stood up, ripping a piece of paper out of her notebook and grabbing a pen.

The same question ran through her mind:  
how did she come to feel like this?

Justin.  
Justin Foley.  
Jessica, of course.  
Alex... even Alex couldn't escape this list.  
Tony.  
Clay.  
Courtney.  
Sheri.  
Ryan.  
Tyler.  
Zach.

 **Bryce**.

So many names littered the page as her tears slightly smudged the ink in places, her hand automatically circling a couple of the names and crossing out others. She circled that one name more than once, she rewrote it to bolden it too. Bryce Walker. Who else would have caused such a dramatic decline?

It got to the point of no return and she wasn't sure she'd ever get past all of these dreadful situations and the reputation that had been made for her by others. Hannah didn't have anything good on that piece of paper apart from one name. Clay. Her saving grace and the only person in the whole world that made her forget about everything bad that was happening. Even when she saw his dorky smile at the Crestmont Movie Theatre it made her smile, if only because he was as much of a lost cause as she was. He really didn't know how to talk to girls or even have a conversation, but he was cute and dorky so he did have one thing going for him. Some girls liked that.

Hannah liked that...

Just a little bit.

She liked Helmet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and again I’m sorry for disappearing! I’m working on coming back to both of my roleplays but this one was the one I found easiest to get back into, I absolutely adore the responses I get from it!


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